trip guilt

• Bipolar Disorder
• Therapy Center
• When To See a Therapist
• Types of Therapy
• Best Online Therapy
• Best Couples Therapy
• Best Family Therapy
• Managing Stress
• Sleep and Dreaming
• Understanding Emotions
• Self-Improvement
• Healthy Relationships
• Student Resources
• Personality Types
• Guided Meditations
• Verywell Mind Insights
• 2024 Verywell Mind 25
• Mental Health in the Classroom
• Editorial Process
• Meet Our Review Board
• Crisis Support

What Is Guilt Tripping?

Kendra Cherry, MS, is a psychosocial rehabilitation specialist, psychology educator, and author of the "Everything Psychology Book."

damircudic / Getty Images

• Getting Help

Frequently Asked Questions

A guilt trip means causing another person to feel guilt or a sense of responsibility to change their behavior or take a specific action. Because guilt can be such a powerful motivator of human behavior, people can wield it as a tool to change how others think, feel, and behave. 

Sometimes this might involve leaning on something that someone already feels guilty about. In other cases, people might induce feelings of unjustified guilt or responsibility to manipulate the other person's emotions and behaviors.

If someone has ever made you feel bad about something you’ve done (or didn’t do) and then used those bad feelings to get you to do something for them, then you have experience with guilt tripping.

This article discusses the signs, types, and impact of guilt trips. It also covers some of the steps you can take to cope with this type of behavior.

Signs of a Guilt Trip

Guilt trips can be intentional, but they can also be unintentional. There are chances that you have even guilt-tripped people into doing things before.

Sometimes guilt tripping behavior can be easy to spot, but it can also be much more subtle and difficult to detect.  Some key signs that others may be guilt-tripping you include:

• Making comments suggesting that you have not done as much work as they have done
• Bringing up mistakes that you have made in the past
• Reminding you of favors they have performed for you in the past
• Acting as if they are angry but then denying that there is a problem
• Refusing to speak to you or giving you the silent treatment
• Making it clear through their body language , tone of voice, and facial expressions that they disapprove of what you were doing
• Suggesting that you “owe” them
• Engaging in passive-aggressive behavior
• Making sarcastic comments about your efforts or progress

It is important to note that this type of indirect communication can occur in any interpersonal relationship. Still, it is more likely to take place in relationships that are marked by close emotional connections.

It can show up in romantic relationships, but guilt trips may also be utilized in family relationships, parental relationships, and even work relationships.

Types of Guilt Tripping

There are many different types of guilt trips that people may utilize depending on the ultimate goal or purpose of the behavior. Some of the different purposes of a guilt trip include:

• Manipulation : Sometimes, the primary goal of a guilt trip is to manipulate someone into doing something that they normally would not want to do.  
• Conflict avoidance : In other cases, people may use guilt trips to avoid directly talking about an issue. It allows them to get what they want without having to engage in direct conflict.
• Moral education : Guilt trips can also be a way of getting someone to engage in a behavior that the individual feels is more moral or “right.”
• Elicit sympathy : In some cases, guilt-tripping allows the individual to gain the sympathy of others by casting themselves in the role of someone who has been harmed by the actions the other person is supposed to feel guilty about.

Guilt isn't always a bad thing. While often troubling and unpleasant, it can serve an important role in guiding moral behavior. When people experience guilt, they can fix their mistakes and avoid repeating the same errors in the future.

Researcher Courtney Humeny

A guilt trip does not appear to induce the benefits of guilt, such as making amends, honesty, and mutual understanding.

Impact of Guilt Trips

Invoking feelings of guilt to change someone’s behavior can have a wide variety of effects. Whether guilt is wielded intentionally or not, it prevents healthy communication and connections with others. Some of the most immediate effects of this form of covert psychological manipulation include:

Damage to Relationships

Research suggests that guilt trips can take a toll on close relationships. One study found that people hurt by their partner's criticism were more likely to use those hurt feelings to make their partner feel guilty and offer reassurances.

However, the study also found that the partner who had been guilt-tripped into offering assurances was more likely to feel significantly worse about the relationship.

In other words, inducing feelings of guilt may work to get your partner to do what you want—but it comes at a cost. It can impair trust and cause the other person to feel that they are being manipulated. 

One of the reasons why guilt trips can poison relationships is because they can lead to lasting feelings of resentment.

"A guilt trip imposes aversive states associated with guilt, along with feelings of resentment from feeling manipulated," Humeny suggests.

A single occasion of someone using a guilt trip to alter your behavior might not have a serious impact on your relationship. Repeated use of guilt trips can leave you feeling bitter.

If you feel that your partner is always going to guilt you into something that you don't want to do, it can decrease intimacy, reduce emotional closeness, and ultimately make you start to resent your partner.

Research suggests that appeals to guilt are a common type of persuasion technique . However, while guilt can compel people to take certain actions, it can also sometimes backfire.

Low-level guilt tends to motivate people to act on the persuasive message. High levels of guilt, however, often fail due to what researchers call "reactance." 

"An individual in a state of reactance will behave in such a way as to restore his freedom (or, at least, his sense of freedom), for example, by performing behaviors that are contrary to those required," explain researchers Aurélien Graton and Melody Mailliez in a 2019 article published in the journal Behavioral Sciences .

In other words, guilt trips can backfire and lead people to behave opposite how someone else wants them to act. For example, someone guilt-tripping you into calling them more often might actually result in calling them less.

Poor Well-being

Feelings of excessive guilt are associated with several mental health conditions, including anxiety, depression , and obsessive-compulsive disorder . Being subjected to guilt trips may contribute to the development or worsening of such conditions.

Experiencing guilt can also lead to many immediate and unpleasant emotions and symptoms such as anxiety, sadness, regret, worry, muscle tension, and insomnia.

This type of covert manipulation may also sometimes contribute to the development of a guilt complex , which is a persistent belief that you have done (or will do) something wrong.

Over time, guilt can lead to feelings of shame. Shame can affect your self-image, which can then contribute to social withdrawal and isolation.

How to Cope With Guilt Tripping

There are a number of tactics that can be helpful when dealing with a guilt trip. Some steps you can take include:

• Acknowledge the request. Let them know that you understand that it is important to them. Responding with empathy and showing that you see their needs may help them feel that they are not simply being ignored. Validating their emotions may help lessen the intensity of those feelings.
• Share your feelings . Explain that you also see how they are trying to make you feel guilty so that you'll do what they want. Then tell them how that type of manipulation makes you feel. Suggest that interacting in that way will lead to resentment and that more direct communication forms would be more effective. 
• Set boundaries . Boundaries help set limits on what you will and will not accept. Even if you do end up helping them with their request, make sure you clearly articulate your limits and explain the consequences of crossing those boundaries. Then be sure that you enforce those limits if they are crossed.

Other things that you can use include protecting your self-esteem and distancing yourself if needed. You're more likely to fall for a guilt trip if you already feel poorly about yourself, so find strategies to build up your sense of self-worth. 

If the other person keeps trying to manipulate you with feelings of guilt, reduce your communication with them or even consider ending the relationship.

Protecting your own well-being should be a top priority. A person who tries to manipulate you with toxic feelings of shame and guilt does not have your best interests at heart.

Getting Help for Guilt

If you are experiencing feelings of guilt or related symptoms of anxiety, stress, or depression, talk to your health care provider or a mental health professional. They can recommend treatment options such as psychotherapy or medications that can help manage symptoms and improve the quality of your life.

Your doctor or therapist may suggest a type of therapy called cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) , which may help reduce inappropriate guilt feelings. This type of therapy can help you identify and change the negative thoughts and cognitive distortions that can contribute to feelings of guilt.

Your therapist can also help you learn to recognize the signs of a guilt trip—and help you practice strategies to cope with this type of emotional manipulation.

An example of guilt tripping might be your friend calling you and saying, "I know you are too busy with work to hang out. I'll just spend the evening by myself. I just thought that since I helped you get that job you would make sure to make a little more time for me." This type of comment is designed to induce feelings of guilt and bring up the idea that you "owe" them in some way.

Guilt tripping is often designed to manipulate other people by preying on their emotions and feelings of guilt or responsibility. This can be a form of toxic behavior that can have detrimental effects on a person's well-being as well as their relationships.

While both behaviors are destructive and toxic, they differ in key ways. Gaslighting is a type of emotional abuse that involves denying another person's reality and making them question their own experiences. Guilt tripping, on the other hand, is about causing another person to feel guilty in order to get them to change their behavior.

Humeny C. A qualitative investigation of a guilt trip . Conference: Institute of Cognitive Science Spring Proceedings.

Overall NC, Girme YU, Lemay EP Jr, Hammond MD. Attachment anxiety and reactions to relationship threat: the benefits and costs of inducing guilt in romantic partners . J Pers Soc Psychol . 2014;106(2):235-56. doi:10.1037/a0034371

Aurélien G, Melody M. A theory of guilt appeals: a review showing the importance of investigating cognitive processes as mediators between emotion and behavior .  Behav Sci (Basel) . 2019;9(12):117. doi:10.3390/bs9120117

Tilghman-Osborne C, Cole DA, Felton JW.  Definition and measurement of guilt: Implications for clinical research and practice .  Clin Psychol Rev . 2010;30(5):536-546. doi:10.1016/j.cpr.2010.03.007

Miceli M, Castelfranchi C.  Reconsidering the differences between shame and guilt .  Eur J Psychol . 2018;14(3):710-733. doi:10.5964/ejop.v14i3.1564

Herr NR, Jones AC, Cohn DM, Weber DM.  The impact of validation and invalidation on aggression in individuals with emotion regulation difficulties .  Personal Disord . 2015;6(4):310-4. doi:10.1037/per0000129

Cleantis T. Boundaries and self-care . Hazelden Betty Ford Foundation.

Hedman E, Ström P, Stünkel A, Mörtberg E. Shame and guilt in social anxiety disorder: effects of cognitive behavior therapy and association with social anxiety and depressive symptoms . PLoS One . 2013;8(4):e61713. doi:10.1371/journal.pone.0061713

Johnson VE, Nadal KL, Sissoko DRG, King R. "It's not in your head": Gaslighting, 'splaining, victim blaming, and other harmful reactions to microaggressions .  Perspect Psychol Sci . 2021;16(5):1024-1036. doi:10.1177/17456916211011963

By Kendra Cherry, MSEd Kendra Cherry, MS, is a psychosocial rehabilitation specialist, psychology educator, and author of the "Everything Psychology Book."

Is Someone Guilt-Tripping You? How To Identify and Respond to This Form of Emotional Manipulation

“Guilt-tripping is intentionally or unintentionally causing feelings of guilt in another person to manipulate or control them,” says Monica Vermani, C.Psych , a clinical psychologist who specializes in trauma, abuse, and relationships. She says it’s all about exerting influence and power.

• Amelia Kelley, PhD, PhD, MS, LCHMC, ATR, RYT , a trauma-informed therapist, author, podcaster, and researcher
• Monica Vermani, C. Psych. , clinical psychologist, public speaker, teacher and author
• Nancy B. Irwin, PsyD , clinical psychologist

It’s vital to note that the person being guilted may not even be in the wrong. “The natural emotion of guilt is employed as a manipulative tactic to create a sense of responsibility for something they may or may not have done,” says Amelia Kelley, PhD, LCMHC , a trauma-informed relationship therapist, podcaster, researcher, and co-author of What I Wish I Knew . “The narcissists and emotional abusers will use guilt as a gaslighting tactic to make their target take responsibility even if they are not at fault.”

In various ways, this kind of behavior boils down to a desire to gain power or control. “Typically, when others guilt-trip you, they are attempting to have the upper hand in some way, get something out of you, or keep you on your toes,” says Nancy Irwin, PsyD , a clinical psychologist specializing in trauma.

People who've experienced negative relationships or are disempowered are often the type to utilize guilt-tripping as a means of claiming control. “It may be the fear of being hurt again [that leads someone to guilt-trip],” says Dr. Kelley, adding that this is common for someone with an insecure attachment style or a fear of abandonment . “It could also be a result of the guilt-tripper not feeling comfortable with vulnerability and struggling themselves to take responsibility for their actions,” she adds, describing a behavior typical in the victim narcissist (or the narcissist who acts as if others are always out to get them).

• 01 How do you know if someone is guilt-tripping you?
• 02 What is narcissistic guilt tripping?
• 03 Is guilt-tripping gaslighting?
• 04 What is the negative impact of guilt-tripping?
• 05 Why am I guilt-tripping myself?
• 06 How to stop guilt-tripping yourself
• 07 How do you respond to someone guilt-tripping you?
• 08 When to seek professional help

{{post.sponsorText}}

How do you know if someone is guilt-tripping you?

The experts say guilt-tripping can be either blunt and obvious or subtle and hard to identify. To tell if someone is manipulating you , they suggest looking for the following signs:

• Making passive-aggressive suggestions about how you haven’t done your “fair share”
• Reminding you of all the favors they’ve done for you
• Giving you the silent treatment ( yes, it’s a manipulation tactic !)
• A disapproving tone of voice, facial expression, or gesture to convey disappointment
• Making a cutting or unkind comment then saying they were “just joking”
• Continuing to bring up the “offense” or “mistake” either subtly or dramatically
• Glaring at you or deeply inhaling after hearing about a similar situation, or saying something like “Yes, I know the feeling”
• Making baseless accusations
• Struggling to take responsibility or ownership for their part
• Making you feel like you have to “make something up to them,” justify your intentions, or over-apologize
• An absence of an equal exchange of give and take, in which you’re always showing up for them without being able to ask for the same in return

Examples of guilt-tripping phrases

Generally speaking, there’s a key sign to look out for in these statements, Dr. Kelley says: dichotomous (aka, black-and-white) language.

Guilt-trippers “typically assign judgment and responsibility and are laden with blame and emotional blackmail aimed at the recipient of the comment,” says Dr. Vermani.

As specific examples of what a guilt-tripper may say, the experts listed the following:

• “You always/never….”
• “You make me feel…”
• “Men/women always…”
• “If you really cared or loved me…”
• “I thought you were on my side…”

What is narcissistic guilt-tripping?

Guilt-tripping behavior can be common among narcissistic people . “Narcissists are brilliant at projecting their own flaws or perceived inadequacies onto others,” Dr. Irwin says, noting they can’t own their mistakes, apologize, or self-correct. “Whatever comes out of a narcissist’s mouth, simply pause and ask yourself who they are really talking about.”

Guilt-tripping also gives them the control and power they seek, or more generally, what they want. “They seek attention and use guilt as a means of maintaining power over their victims,” Dr. Vermani adds. If the narcissistic person can make their partner think that they’re at fault, they may be better able to control how their partner acts.

Is guilt-tripping gaslighting?

Guilt-tripping and gaslighting are similar in that both are emotional abuse tactics used to manipulate and control, the psychologists say. They aren’t quite the same thing, though.

Gaslighting is making someone question their sanity, Dr. Irwin says, while guilt-tripping is informing someone of a claimed offensive and holding on to it.

Despite their differences, the two are often used in conjunction. “Gaslighting is meant to confuse or distort someone’s reality, which is not always the case with guilt-tripping,” Dr. Kelley says. “Commonly though, in order to employ a guilt trip, there needs to be distortions of reality that occur, which is where gaslighting comes in.”

She adds it can also be used to justify threats and accusations or engage the target in a power struggle. “[Targets] are constantly having to look at themselves and what they did wrong, which takes the spotlight of blame off the narcissist as the target remains on the defensive,” she explains.

What is the negative impact of guilt-tripping?

Guilt-tripping can hurt the relationship and the mental health of the person experiencing it. A 2010 study in Clinical Psychology Review 1 found that persistent guilt exacerbates depression, anxiety, and OCD symptoms, just to start.

“It has a direct impact on self-concept and self-esteem,” Dr. Kelley says. “If someone always feels they are to blame, or in the wrong, it can make it difficult to speak to oneself with compassion and continue to believe that you are worthy of the love and respect each and every one of us deserves.”

This can create an unhealthy power dynamic, she adds, as well as fail to properly address the situation at hand.

Further, Dr. Vermani notes that guilt-tripping can lead to resentment, a lack of trust, and anger in relationships, as well as an increased sense of powerlessness, anxiety, and/or mood disorders.

Why am I guilt-tripping myself?

People with insecurities or low self-esteem may be more prone to making themselves feel guilty, even for things they didn’t do. They may also be quick to assume someone is blaming them when they're not.

“As human beings, we all want to be heard, seen, and valued,” Dr. Vermani says. But when someone has low-self-esteem, she continues, they're highly critical and look for reassurance that their negative thoughts are right. “By assuming guilt for things that they have not done and are not their responsibility, they validate the narrative that they are inadequate and unworthy of love,” she says.

Self-imposed guilt-trips can be taught, too. Narcissistic people in particular tend to impose this kind of thing on others, according to Dr. Kelley.

“It is difficult to believe your needs and boundaries are valid if you are made to feel less than or like something is wrong with you,” she says. “Guilt-tripping can cause an enmeshed view of the self where what we do becomes who we are—which is not a correct or a healthy way to view the self. If you feel you are constantly causing damage in your wake, it can create an ongoing self-dialogue that becomes internalized assumptions about one’s negative impact on the world around them.”

Dr. Irwin adds another possible contributing factor in that situation: “Many times, people with low self-value want to be liked, and they will accept poor treatment to keep that person in their life,” she says.

How to stop guilt-tripping yourself

Sometimes, you may give yourself a guilt trip. When that’s the case, how can you stop feeling guilty ?

Give yourself compassion

This act of self-love, alongside being mindful of what exactly is going on, is crucial, according to Dr. Kelley. More specifically, she encourages leaning into the growth mindset , or the idea that we can improve as human beings. “[Know] that mistakes happen to all of us and they are there to learn from.”

Ask yourself if the guilt is appropriate or excessive

One piece that can help with self-compassion and letting go of guilt is by asking yourself: Is it called for? “Appropriate guilt is when you do/say something out of line with your ethics and integrity,” Dr. Irwin explains. “It calls you to a higher level.”

Excessive guilt, on the other hand, is unnecessary and unhelpful. It’s also usually “manufactured by someone else in order to manipulate you or to invite you to hold their guilt for them,” Dr. Irwin continues.

Foster healthy habits in your relationships

Surrounding yourself with healthy relationships can be a great self-esteem booster. Dr. Kelley encourages finding people who encourage you, setting boundaries with those who don’t.

Additionally, implement other healthy communication skills when the situation calls for it. “Make amends when needed and then practice the stages of forgiveness for yourself, whether or not someone else is granting that for you,” she says. The stages of forgiveness often begin with acknowledging the hurt or offense caused, followed by understanding and accepting the pain it inflicted. Then, a willingness to let go of resentment and anger gradually emerges, leading to a state of compassion and empathy toward the offender, ultimately culminating in a sense of peace and closure.

Remind yourself of key truths about guilt

Feeling external guilt is a red-flag emotion, according to Dr. Vermani. But what does that mean, exactly?

“It is a sign that there is someone who wants something from you—either your time, your energy, or your resources—that is in direct conflict with what you want for yourself,” she says. “When people expect things from you that are different from what you want to do, guilt is that red flag that arises to tell you that there is a conflict that you have to resolve…that is to say, the difference between what somebody wants from you and what you want from yourself.”

Aim to live authentically

Continuing on her above point, Dr. Vermani encourages people to do what feels right to them first and foremost. “Our goal in life is to live authentically,” she says, “not to people-please and sacrifice our limited resources of time and energy for others.”

How do you respond to someone guilt-tripping you?

Recognize what’s happening.

Acknowledging the fact that the person is guilt-tripping you—and what that means about the relationship—can be helpful in and of itself. Dr. Vermani reminds it’s “a red flag indicating that someone wants something of you that is not in alignment with what you want for yourself”—and remember, your goal is to live for yourself, not others.

Another key truth about guilt-tripping: It’s wrong and unhelpful. “Realize that guilt trips are a form of verbal and/or nonverbal hurtful and manipulative communication,” she adds. You don’t need that in your life!

Assert your boundaries

When setting boundaries around your time and energy, try to remember your power and stay calm, knowing you did nothing wrong. “This issue is not your fault and you will not be held responsible for it,” Dr. Irwin says. “Don’t go on and on explaining…you lose power.”

She encourages speaking succinctly and making eye contact while setting and reinforcing your boundaries.

Consider whether the relationship is worth continuing

Besides setting boundaries, Dr. Kelley encourages assessing whether you want to have this relationship anymore. “If someone makes you feel you are at fault all the time, this is not a healthy dynamic, and the sooner you set a solid boundary, the less long-term damage the person can have on you and your self-esteem,” she points out.

Practice making mistakes and getting through them

Yep, you read that right—allow yourself to mess up! “Try new things and experience making mistakes on purpose and then surviving those mistakes,” Dr. Kelley says. After all, without failure, there is no growth.

Encourage conversations that move you forward

When someone is guilt-tripping you, they may go on and on about the mistake you made. Dr. Irwin urges refusing to get on their guilt train, even when you hurt them in some way.

“Assertively communicate to the person that you know you made a mistake, have apologized/corrected it, and wish to move on having learned from it,” she says. “No need to hang onto negative feelings.”

Work on your self-esteem

Boosting your level of self-esteem is another suggestion from Dr. Vermani that can serve as “armor” when a guilt-tripper is trying to tear you down. Spending time with people who make you feel good about yourself, challenging negative thoughts, avoiding “should statements,” and recognizing triggers are all helpful self-esteem exercises .

Remind yourself of your power and right to say “no”

You aren’t powerless here, nor do you need to “give in” to what the guilt-tripper is throwing at you. Dr. Vermani encourages working on getting comfortable with saying “no.” Besides simply saying the word, she continues, this may look like calling the person out. Show them you won’t allow them to treat you that way.

Work with a mental health professional

Let’s be real: Setting boundaries is easier said than done. If you’d like a little extra support, consider seeing a counselor. They can help you create positive change, Dr. Vermani says.

When to seek professional help

For Dr. Irwin, the answer is simple: “As soon as one or both parties are in enough pain.” Assess for any gut feelings signaling this.

Dr. Vermani shares additional signs, including:

• Experiencing extreme distress or mental health concerns
• Noticing your day-to-day functioning is negatively impacted
• Realizing you’re engaging in manipulative behavior
• Struggling with feelings of low self-worth and hopelessness

A more proactive approach may be your best bet, though, according to Dr. Kelley. She encourages seeing a professional ahead of time, saying “before it even feels problematic, as I believe we all deserve an amazing support system and therapist in our corner.”

Otherwise, she continues, reach out when you feel like you’re losing parts of yourself or distancing yourself from other healthy relationships. Remind yourself regularly that you deserve better.

• Tilghman-Osborne, Carlos et al. “Definition and measurement of guilt: Implications for clinical research and practice.”  Clinical psychology review  vol. 30,5 (2010): 536-46. doi:10.1016/j.cpr.2010.03.007

Loading More Posts...

The Beach Is My Happy Place—and Here Are 3 Science-Backed Reasons It Should Be Yours, Too

Your official excuse to add "OOD" (ahem, out of doors) to your cal.

4 Mistakes That Are Causing You to Waste Money on Skin-Care Serums, According to an Esthetician

These Are the Best Anti-Chafing Denim Shorts—According to Some Very Happy Reviewers

{{ successMessage }}

Please wait a moment...

Advertisement

How to recognize a guilt trip & respond when it happens.

If someone has ever tried to make you feel bad about something without directly saying it, you may well have been a victim to guilt tripping. This behavior isn't uncommon, but if you don't know what to look for, you might not realize it's happening. Here's how to spot guilt trip signs, plus how to deal with it, according to experts.

What does "guilt trip" really mean?

Guilt tripping is a type of behavior that involves making someone feel guilty for something rather than directly expressing your displeasure. As therapist and relationship expert Ken Page, LCSW, explains to mbg, it's a form of manipulation designed to either make the person feel bad or to get them to do something you want by evoking guilt.

According to both Page and licensed marriage and family therapist  Shane Birkel, LMFT, guilt tripping is classic passive-aggressive behavior because it indicates an inability—or at least an unwillingness—to communicate in a healthy and constructive way.

This kind of behavior can be seen across all kinds of relationships, from romantic to parent-child relationships to friendships, and even in the workplace between bosses or co-workers.

Why it's not OK to guilt trip someone.

It's not a bad thing to express when you feel hurt or upset by someone else's behavior, Page notes, but when you start to become passive aggressive and manipulative about it, that's when it becomes a problem. "Guilt tripping is indirect and manipulative, [and] it works by making people feel bad about themselves," he says.

Birkel adds that guilt tripping also doesn't require the same vulnerability as directly sharing your hurt and how you're feeling. "It's shaming the other person, making comments that make the other person feel bad, sort of blaming and attacking—and so in that way, I don't think there's ever an appropriate or OK situation to guilt trip. It's always going to be a harsh way of treating the other person," he notes.

Open and vulnerable communication, such as saying, "Hey, I understand we all run late sometimes, but it makes me feel like you're not prioritizing our time together when you show up late," for example, would not be guilt tripping, Birkel adds.

Is guilt tripping a form of gaslighting?

Gaslighting and guilt tripping are not the same, though they have "large areas of overlap," according to Page. He notes that gaslighting is all about denying someone's reality to make them question themselves, which is a "deep form of manipulation."

Guilt tripping is more about making someone feel bad or guilty for their behavior. That said, dark personality types like narcissists and other toxic people will often use both of these manipulation tactics freely and without remorse, Page explains.

Common signs to look out for:

• Behavior and comments meant to make you feel guilty or bad
• Making you feel like you owe them something
• Refusal to say what's wrong but acting upset
• Expressing negative feelings about you in indirect ways
• Comments like "I must not mean that much to you," "I'm glad you could finally squeeze me into your busy schedule," or, "I do so much for you," etc.
• Talking about you as a bad person, partner, friend, etc.
• Withholding affection and/or attention as punishment
• Passive-aggressive behavior

The main things you want to look for when it comes to someone guilt tripping you are an inability to express negative feelings directly and behavior that makes you feel guilty. As Page explains, "When you feel that sharp pang of guilt, ask yourself, what is happening? Are you being made to feel that you are less of a good person, or were they actually bothered appropriately by something you did that you need to fix and correct?"

When you become aware of how guilt feels in your body and the thoughts it makes you think, that's the quickest way to identify guilt tripping behavior, he adds. And if you're noticing a trend that this person has a hard time expressing when you've done something that bothers them, that's a telltale sign too.

Reasons for guilt tripping.

There are plenty of reasons that people resort to guilt tripping, whether subconscious or very much conscious. A lot of the time, Page explains, it's simply the "easiest" option, compared to actually being vulnerable and stating your needs and feelings in a direct way.

Sometimes people want sympathy, sometimes they want to manipulate your behavior, and sometimes they may just be looking for attention. But the key is they're not willing to be outright about what they're wanting from the interaction.

According to Birkel, guilt tripping someone can also be "a twisted way of trying to get compassion." They're trying to make you feel bad about what you did because they want you to understand how it hurt them, he says.

"Often, when we feel that something is wrong but we don't feel that we have a right to ask for what we want, we use guilt tripping or other passive-aggressive behavior instead," Page explains. "In other words, our guilt around our own needs makes us guilt trip other people."

Birkel also notes this kind of behavior can stem from having this behavior modeled for you growing up, as well as not having your needs met as a child. "If someone grew up in a family where they weren't allowed to have a voice, or their wants and needs were shut down by a parent, they might start guilt tripping others because they never learned how to communicate directly," he explains.

How to respond to a guilt trip.

How you choose to respond when someone guilt trips you will depend on everything from your communication style to how much patience you have in the moment and how serious the situation is. In extreme cases, especially in situations where you're being unfairly blamed for something, you always have the option to set a boundary and walk away from the conversation.

With all that said, Page and Birkel both recommend extending compassion when you can. "Underneath the guilt tripping is a request, hidden in blaming, passive-aggressive behavior," Page explains. And as Birkel notes, that hidden request is often compassion and understanding.

For starters, there might be an apology you can and should make if you did actually hurt this person (intentionally or not). Birkel suggests starting there, and to emphasize that you understand why they're feeling the way they do. That can sound like "I understand why you're upset, and I apologize for X."

Then, once the apology is made earnestly and accepted, perhaps a couple of hours later, he says you can bring up that you didn't appreciate the way they approached the conversation, saying something like, "Again, I understand why you were upset, and I felt like you were trying to make to feel guilty, so I'm hoping you could communicate with me more directly about what's going on for you in the future."

Ultimately, Page says, it's important that you and the other person both get to speak your mind about how you're really feeling. In some cases, for instance, you might be letting somebody down and disappointing them, but that doesn't mean that you have anything to feel guilty for; you just might not be able to meet their expectations, he explains. "On the other hand, when you listen to what they want and need, if it feels valid, you might want to reconsider your actions," he adds.

It comes down to honest, open, and vulnerable communication, which is a skill that can take time to cultivate. But the good news is, the more you practice healthy communication , the easier it becomes over time.

The bottom line.

Guilt tripping can range from small, rare instances to extreme cases of manipulation. If things escalate to the point of emotional abuse , remove yourself from the situation as best you can. Otherwise, guilt tripping is a behavior (albeit a frustrating one) that can be worked on and improved with healthy communication and vulnerability.

Enjoy some of our favorite clips from classes

What Is Meditation?

Mindfulness/Spirituality | Light Watkins

Box Breathing

Mindfulness/Spirituality | Gwen Dittmar

What Breathwork Can Address

The 8 limbs of yoga - what is asana.

Yoga | Caley Alyssa

Two Standing Postures to Open Up Tight Hips

How plants can optimize athletic performance.

Nutrition | Rich Roll

What to Eat Before a Workout

How ayurveda helps us navigate modern life.

Nutrition | Sahara Rose

Messages About Love & Relationships

Love & Relationships | Esther Perel

Love Languages

More on this topic.

It's Normal For Parents' To Lose That Spark — But You Don't Have To

Lia Avellino, LCSW

My Sex Life Instantly Improved When I Added This Product To The Mix

Carleigh Ferrante

Experts Recommend Trying This If You Feel Pain Or Discomfort During Sex

I Walked 5 Miles In These Comfy Slip-Ons The First Time I Wore Them

Braelyn Wood

These 3 Zodiac Signs Can Expect New Love This Taurus Season

Sarah Regan

FYI: This Scalp Detox Makes My Hair Ridiculously Voluminous & So Much Softer

Popular Stories

Psychologily

Guilt Trip: How to Stop Feeling Guilty for Things That Aren’t Your Fault

Guilt trip is a common phenomenon many of us have experienced at some point in our lives. It is a form of emotional manipulation that involves making someone feel guilty or responsible for something they may or may not have done. Guilt trips can be subtle or overt and can be used in various settings, from personal relationships to the workplace.

Guilt trips can take many forms, but they all involve making someone feel bad about themselves or their actions. For example, a friend might guilt trip you into attending a party you don’t want to go to by saying things like, “I guess I’ll just go alone then” or “I thought we were closer than that.” In the workplace, a boss might guilt trip an employee into working overtime by saying things like, “I guess you don’t care about the success of this project” or “I thought you were a team player.”

Recognizing and coping with guilt trips is an essential skill that can help us maintain healthy relationships and boundaries. In this article, we will explore the signs, types, and impact of guilt trips and strategies for coping with them. We will also provide examples of common guilt trip scenarios and offer tips for responding healthily and assertively.

Understanding the Psychology Behind Guilt Trips

Guilt trips are a potent tool of emotional manipulation that can steer behavior to suit the manipulator’s desires. It is often used to make someone feel guilty or responsible for something, even if they have done everything they can. In this section, we will explore the psychology behind guilt trips.

Guilt-tripping is a natural form of passive-aggression that people resort to when they don’t have the skills or language to communicate their needs or feelings assertively. It is a way of making someone feel bad about themselves or their behavior, intending to get them to do what the manipulator wants.

There are several reasons why someone might use guilt trips as a tactic. One reason is that it can effectively get someone to do what they want without directly asking for it. Another reason is that it can be a way of avoiding conflict or confrontation. By making someone feel guilty, the manipulator can avoid having to confront the issue at hand directly.

Guilt trips can also be a way of asserting power and control over someone. By making them feel guilty, the manipulator can make them feel like they are in the wrong and need to make amends to make things right. This can be a way of establishing dominance over the other person.

Guilt trips are a powerful tool of emotional manipulation that can steer behavior to suit the manipulator’s desires. They often make someone feel guilty or responsible for something, even if they have done everything possible. Understanding the psychology behind guilt trips can help us recognize when we are being manipulated and take steps to protect ourselves from this behavior.

Identifying a Guilt Trip

Guilt trips are a form of emotional manipulation that can be difficult to identify, especially from people we care about. This section will discuss common signs of a guilt trip and how to recognize manipulative language and emotional blackmail.

Recognizing Manipulative Language

One way to identify a guilt trip is to pay attention to the language used by the person trying to manipulate you. Here are some examples of manipulative language to watch out for:

• Exaggeration:  The person may use extreme language to describe a situation, making it seem worse than it is. For example, they might say, “You always do this,” when it’s only happened a few times.
• Generalization:  The person may use general statements that are difficult to argue against. For example, they might say, “Everyone else is doing it,” or “You should know better.”
• Personal Attacks:  The person may attack your character or make you feel guilty for who you are. For example, they might say, “You’re so selfish,” or “You never think about anyone else.”
• Conditional Statements:  The person may make their love or approval conditional on your behavior. For example, they might say, “If you loved me, you would do this,” or “I’ll only forgive you if you do what I want.”

Spotting Emotional Blackmail

Another way to identify a guilt trip is to look for signs of emotional blackmail. Emotional blackmail is a manipulation involving fear, obligation, or guilt to control someone else’s behavior. Here are some common signs of emotional blackmail:

• Threats:  The person may threaten to end the relationship or harm themselves or others if you don’t do what they want.
• Intimidation:  The person may use their size, strength, or power to intimidate you into doing what they want.
• Sulking:  The person may sulk or withdraw affection to make you feel guilty and manipulate you into doing what they want.
• Victimhood:  The person may play the victim and make you feel responsible for their emotions and well-being.

Recognizing these signs can help you identify when someone uses a guilt trip to manipulate you. By staying aware of these tactics, you can take steps to protect yourself and maintain healthy boundaries in your relationships.

Effects of Guilt Trips

Guilt trips can have a significant impact on our mental health and relationships. Here are some of the effects:

Impact on Mental Health

Guilt trips can lead to negative emotions such as anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem. When we feel guilty, we may become more self-critical and start to doubt our abilities and worth. This can lead to a vicious cycle of guilt and negative self-talk, which can be challenging to break.

In addition, guilt trips can also cause us to feel trapped and powerless. We must comply with the other person’s demands, even if it goes against our values and needs. This can lead to helplessness and resentment, further damaging our mental health.

Strain on Relationships

Guilt trips can also strain our relationships with others. When someone uses guilt to manipulate us, it can erode trust and respect. We may feel like we can’t rely on the other person to be honest and straightforward with us, which can damage the foundation of any relationship.

Furthermore, guilt trips can also create a power imbalance in relationships. The person using guilt may feel like they have the upper hand and can control the other person’s behavior. This can lead to resentment and a lack of mutual respect, further damaging the relationship.

It’s essential to recognize the adverse effects of guilt trips and take steps to protect our mental health and relationships. This may involve setting boundaries, communicating our needs and feelings assertively, and seeking support from a therapist or trusted friend.

Handling Guilt Trips

Dealing with guilt trips can be challenging, but there are ways to handle them effectively. This section will discuss some strategies that can help us cope with guilt trips.

Effective Communication Strategies

Effective communication is one of the most important ways to handle guilt trips. We need to communicate clearly and assertively without being aggressive or confrontational. Here are some tips for effective communication:

• Stay Calm:  It’s essential to stay calm and composed when dealing with guilt trips. This can help us avoid getting defensive or emotional, which can make the situation worse.
• Be Assertive:  We need to be assertive and stand up for ourselves when dealing with guilt trips. This means expressing our needs and feelings clearly and confidently without being aggressive or passive.
• Use “I” Statements:  Using “I” statements can help us express our feelings without blaming or accusing others. For example, instead of saying, “You’re always making me feel guilty,” we can say, “I feel guilty when you say things like that.”
• Listen Actively:   Active listening involves paying attention to what the other person is saying and trying to understand their perspective. This can help us find common ground and resolve conflicts more effectively.

Setting Boundaries

Another critical strategy for handling guilt trips is setting boundaries. We set boundaries for ourselves to protect our emotional and physical well-being. Here are some tips for setting boundaries:

• Identify Your Limits:  We need to identify our limits and know what we are unwilling to tolerate. This can help us set clear boundaries and communicate them effectively.
• Be Consistent:  Consistency is vital when it comes to setting boundaries. We must stick to our limits and not give in to guilt or manipulation.
• Be Firm:  We must be firm and assertive when communicating our boundaries. This means saying “no” when necessary and not feeling guilty.
• Take Care of Yourself:  When setting boundaries, taking care of ourselves is essential. This means prioritizing our needs and well-being and not sacrificing them for others.

Handling guilt trips requires effective communication and setting clear boundaries. By staying calm, assertive, and consistent, we can protect ourselves from emotional manipulation and maintain healthy relationships.

Preventing Guilt Trips

Guilt trips can be emotionally draining and damaging to relationships. Fortunately, there are steps we can take to prevent them from happening. This section will discuss two critical strategies for preventing guilt trips: fostering healthy relationships and promoting self-awareness.

Fostering Healthy Relationships

One of the best ways to prevent guilt trips is to foster healthy relationships with the people in our lives. This means communicating openly and honestly, setting boundaries, and respecting each other’s feelings and needs.

Here are some tips for fostering healthy relationships:

• Communicate openly and honestly: Be honest about your feelings and needs, and encourage others to do the same.
• Set boundaries: It’s essential to set boundaries and stick to them. Let others know what you are and are not willing to do.
• Respect each other’s feelings and needs: Show empathy and understanding for others’ feelings and needs, and expect the same in return.

When we foster healthy relationships, we create an environment of mutual respect and understanding, making guilt trips less likely to occur.

Promoting Self-Awareness

Another key strategy for preventing guilt trips is promoting self-awareness. When we know our emotions and needs, we are less likely to be manipulated or guilt-tripped by others.

Here are some tips for promoting self-awareness:

• Recognize your own emotions:  Take time to identify and understand your needs.
• Practice self-care :  Take care of yourself physically, emotionally, and mentally.
• Set realistic expectations:  Be realistic about what you can and cannot do, and don’t feel guilty for saying no.

When we are self-aware, we can better recognize when someone is trying to guilt-trip us and take steps to prevent it from happening.

Preventing guilt trips requires fostering healthy relationships and promoting self-awareness. By following these strategies, we can create a more positive and supportive environment in our relationships and avoid the adverse effects of guilt trips.

Frequently Asked Questions

What are some signs that someone is trying to guilt trip you.

When someone is trying to guilt trip you, they may use certain tactics to make you feel responsible for their emotions or actions. Some signs to look out for include:

• Pointing out their own efforts and hard work to make you feel as if you’ve fallen short.
• Making sarcastic or passive-aggressive remarks about the situation.
• Using emotional blackmail to make you feel guilty for not complying with their wishes.
• Manipulating your emotions by making you feel responsible for their feelings.

How can you respond to someone who is guilt-tripping you?

If someone is trying to guilt trip you, it’s important to set boundaries and communicate your feelings. Here are some ways you can respond:

• Acknowledge their feelings, but don’t take responsibility for them.
• Stick to your own values and beliefs, even if it means disagreeing with the other person.
• Avoid engaging in arguments or becoming defensive.
• Use “I” statements to express your feelings and needs.
• Take a break or step away from the situation if necessary.

What is the difference between guilt tripping and expressing feelings?

Expressing feelings is a healthy way to communicate with others, while guilt tripping is a manipulative tactic used to control others. When someone expresses their feelings, they are sharing their emotions and thoughts without expecting a specific outcome or response. Guilt tripping, on the other hand, involves using guilt as a tool to change how others think, feel, and behave.

Is guilt tripping considered a form of manipulation?

Yes, guilt-tripping is considered a form of emotional manipulation. It involves using guilt as a tool to control others and make them feel responsible for someone else’s emotions or actions. This can be harmful to the other person’s mental health and well-being.

What are some ways to stop someone from guilt-tripping you?

If someone is guilt-tripping you, there are several ways you can stop the behavior:

• Set boundaries and communicate your feelings.
• Refuse to take responsibility for someone else’s emotions or actions.

Can guilt tripping be considered a form of emotional abuse?

Yes, guilt-tripping can be considered a form of emotional abuse. It involves using guilt as a tool to control others and make them feel responsible for someone else’s emotions or actions. This can be harmful to the other person’s mental health and well-being. It’s important to recognize the signs of emotional abuse and seek help if necessary.

Leave a Comment Cancel reply

Save my name, email, and website in this browser for the next time I comment.

Guilt Trip: What Is It, Examples + How to Spot and Respond

Guilt can be a powerful weapon, and sadly, many people know how to utilize it skillfully.

Intentional or not, guilt-tripping prevents conflict resolution and healthy communication and it often evokes feelings of resentment and frustration.

But what is a guilt trip? How do we spot and respond to it? Here are experts insights.

Table of Contents

Guilt trip when someone emotionally punishes you in another way in an effort to get you to do something

Assess your intent, learn to say ‘no’, guilt trips are an attempt to manipulate you, prepare yourself by recognizing guilt trips, stop enabling bad behavior, attempting to make another person feel guilty is a problematic behavior, stick to your boundaries, frequently asked questions.

Ned Presnall, LCSW

Licensed Clinical Social Worker | Director of Clinical Services, Plan Your Recovery | Professor, Washington University

As human beings, we are very social creatures. We’re constantly engaged in positively and negatively reinforcing the behaviors of the people closest to us. We give small emotional rewards, and small emotional punishments in response to the things that they do.

We do this because we’re unconsciously trying to reinforce the behaviors that we most want to see — we do this with really anyone we’re invested in, be it a friend, a family member, a co-worker, or a group project member.

Guilt is an emotion that we feel when we think we’ve done something that will cause another person to reject us — Freud called guilt a fear of the loss of love. So if a person is giving us a “guilt trip”, they’re pushing us away to try to reinforce the behavior in us that they want to see. It’s sometimes intentional, and other times unintentional.

For example, if a friend is trying to get you to visit them and you initially refuse, they might guilt trip you by saying, “aww, but you never see me anymore!” That friend might be unconsciously trying to manipulate you, or they may have chosen those words very specifically.

You can recognize a guilt trip when someone withdraws their affection or emotionally punishes you in another way in an effort to get you to do something. It’s a sort of passive-aggressive way to express emotional needs — it’s far better to tell a person what you want than to try to motivate them through manipulation.

Related: How to Stop Being Passive Aggressive

So what can you do? If a person is withdrawing their affection from us, the most practical thing to do is to ask them if they’re unhappy, or otherwise try to communicate with them about their feelings.

Engage them in empathetic conversation, and attempt to see the situation through their eyes when speaking with them — you’ll be more likely to find a solution.

Candace V. Love, PhD, PC

Licensed Clinical Psychologist | President, North Shore Behavioral Medicine

The point I want to make about guilt is simply: We tend to feel guilty when we say ‘no’ to someone or their request. It’s important to know how to say no and not feel guilty for taking care of yourself, even if you just wanted to stay home and watch TV or relax. Yet, too often we beat ourselves up and feel we shouldn’t have said no, and now this other person is disappointed or hurt.

But, when one feels guilty they need to first ask themselves, ‘what was my intent?’ If your intent was not to hurt or disappoint someone, but actually to take care of yourself, then you have nothing to feel guilty about.

Sure, the other person may be hurt and feel disappointed but that is their issue to work out. That person needs to learn to self soothe themselves, which is a skill everyone should learn along with frustration tolerance. Unfortunately, many people have not learned these skills.

Too often guilt accompanies those people with people-pleasing issues – the disease to please – or another word for it co-dependent: where you put other people’s wants and needs ahead of your own.

Someone who does this is ripe for a narcissistic relationship because a narcissist is only too happy to have someone who puts the narcissist’s wants and needs always first.

Mary Joye, LMHC

Licensed Mental Health Counselor,  Winter Haven Counseling

Guilt trips are some of the most costly “excursions” you can take because they take a toll on you mentally and physically. If you feel guilty when someone asks you for something, this is the most obvious way to recognize if it is a guilt trip. When you recognize something, you can neutralize the effect with time and practice.

When someone uses guilt, it feels like emotional extortion and it is. This is particularly true of anyone who suffers from codependency, approval-seeking, or people-pleasing behaviors.

Related: How to Break Codependency Habits

Recognizing the guilt trip may have been elusive in the past, but it is easier than you think to in the future. There is biology to this and involves the vagus nerve which is your parasympathetic nervous system that kicks in when you are emotionally reactive.

If you see your phone ring knowing it is someone who guilt trips you, feeling the tension in your shoulder or neck, heart racing, feeling short of breath or nauseated, are vagus nerve reactions.

Guilt can be the most insidious of manipulation tools of narcissists or just plain selfish people who use your kindness and empathy to gain your sympathy. They get you to say yes when you want to say no. Saying no is very difficult but it can be done.

You can diplomatically say no in a three step way.

• Breathe slowly and don’t feel that you have to say yes or no right away. Take your time to leave silence. It lets them know you are thinking and not reacting in knee jerk fashion.
• Release the tension you feel and use a “gratitude sandwich” to say no. Example: Someone has called and said no one makes cakes as well as you do and no one is as nice as you are and asks you to bake ten cakes for their cause without payment other than this passive-aggressive compliment which was really flattery. You can say. “Thank you for thinking I can bake ten cakes for the benefit but I am overextended and will have to decline. But thank you for the compliment. This method is an authentic way to say no without having to say “no” at all.
• If the person pushes harder, you can straighten your posture and elevate your chin even if you are on the phone. Guilt makes you slump and a heightened posture makes you sound, feel, and look more confident. Then you can put up your and simply state with no more than a few more words, “I simply can’t say yes.”

Again, these are ways to say no to guilt trips that are more diplomatic. However, don’t expect anyone to applaud you for declining the emotional extortion.

It will take a while to recondition those who have conditioned you to cave into their guilt trips. Then you can save the time and energy to go on actual trips and enjoy your life by saying yes to yourself while saying no to others.

Related: How to Say No at Work Without Feeling Guilty

Lynell Ross

Resource Director, Education Advocates

Some people have a knack for knowing how to push your buttons and manipulate you by using guilt. Whether they are conscious of what they are doing or not, this tactic works for them so they continue to throw out subtle remarks such as, “Don’t worry about me. I’m used to being all alone.”

Or they might use not so subtle manipulations such as attempting to make you feel sorry for them because you have more money, a better job, or more friends. Beware of a friend that says as you sit down to a meal out, “I wish I had a job that pays as much as yours. I can’t afford expensive meals.” Then you feel guilty and treat them to dinner.

Next time you run across someone who lays a guilt trip on you, remember this. No one can make you feel anything. It is up to you to know how to respond, and you can protect yourself by understanding guilt trips for what they are, the person’s attempt to manipulate your feelings and get you to do what they want.

When you see their guilt trip as an attempt to manipulate you, then you can stop feeling guilty and respond with awareness. Decide what is best for you, realizing that it isn’t selfish to take care of yourself.

What’s more, when you give in to manipulation or do something for someone else that they should be doing for themself, you enable them to continue the behavior that is harmful to themselves. You can learn to say no without feeling guilty.

You may have lived with a family member who guilted you into doing things your whole life, so are used to it. But laying a guilt trip on someone is unhealthy and problematic behavior. When you stop letting them make you feel guilty, it isn’t your problem any longer.

Jessica LaMarre

Writer, Love Personal Growth

What I have learned is a guilt trip can come from external people. However, the most challenging guilt trip to deal with, for me personally, is the internal guilt trip.

Imagine an ice cream sundae; first I would scoop on the repeated story in my head, the second I would add another scoop of how it impacted me, others, and/or work, and third I would top it off with some self-criticism.

As a working mom of three, the amount of guilt trip sundaes I am served is like living in a Baskin Robbins. “Mom, you hugged her first”, “Mom, you spent more time with brother”, “Mom, do you have to go to yoga, I want to play”, “Mom, are you done working, yet” , play on repeat.

I have spent the last two and a half years transforming my life, which has allowed my guilt trips to subside. Now, I rarely go through the process below, except when it comes to my kids. Here are some examples of those guilt trip sundaes.

For the first scoop, the repeat story:

• “I don’t have time for this, I have so much work to do.” The word ‘this’ in my story, pretty much-equaled anything else.
• “I cannot believe I am taking this time for me, there is so much that needs to be done” . This story was rare because I did not do much for me. When I did, it would make me feel guilty.
• “I need to complete this project, then I can practice that work/life balance thing”. Not true. You’re welcome, just letting you know from experience no matter how much you accomplish or achieve, there will always be more.

For the second scoop, how it could impact me, others, and/or work:

• “I won’t be considered for the (fill in the blank) if I don’t put in 60 hours a week” or “My co-workers and customers are counting on me”
• “I don’t need to take time for me, who goes to every 6 month dental cleaning anyways?”
• “We are not going to win this proposal if we don’t have all of this information, we need to do more research, yeah we need more information, I can take it on.”

Then top it off with some self-criticism:

• “Why did I even sign up for this? I should have known better.”
• “See, now you don’t have enough time to finish what you needed to get done!”
• “You should have known this all along, how did not you see this coming!”

A guilt trip can make for a messy sundae, especially for our mental, physical, and emotional health. In the book, ‘Language of Emotions’ by Karla McLaren, I learned guilt and shame are a form of anger that arises when your boundary has been broken from the inside — by something you’ve done wrong or have been convinced is wrong.

Once I learned this, I noticed that when I am not holding to my boundaries, I feel guilty. Learning my boundaries and sticking to them, which often results in me saying no, has reduced my overall guilt.

Here are three steps to spot the guilt trip and respond.

• Step 1: Become aware – learn when, where, and with whom you experience guilt (who could be work).
• Step 2: How do you respond to the scoops? What is the repeated story you tell yourself? How do you believe this story impacts your life? What self-criticism follows?
• Step 3: Know it is OK to say No. The word no can be a complete sentence.

I love the quote from Warren Buffet: “The difference between successful people and really successful people is those really successful people say no to almost everything.”

Learn your boundaries and give yourself permission to say no. From experience, I can say there will be a lot less guilt-trip sundaes.

Why Do We Sometimes Respond to Guilt Trips?

Guilt trips are a form of emotional manipulation that exploit the feelings of guilt and responsibility in others. Here are some reasons why people may respond to guilt trips:

• Emotional Connection: Guilt trips often involve people close to us, such as friends, family, or partners. When we have a strong emotional connection with someone, we may feel obligated to comply with their requests or desires.

• Sense of Responsibility: People may respond to guilt trips because they feel a strong sense of responsibility for the happiness and well-being of the person making the request.

• Fear of Conflict: People may respond to guilt trips because they fear that saying no will result in conflict or disappointment in their relationships.

• Insecurity: Some people may respond to guilt trips because they are insecure and seek approval or validation from others. Feeling guilty can reinforce the belief that they are responsible for the other person’s happiness and can lead to a sense of validation.

• Lack of Assertiveness: Some people may respond to guilt trips because they lack assertiveness and feel unable to say no. They may also feel that saying no would make them appear selfish or unkind.

What Phrases Are Commonly Used to Guilt Trip?

Guilt-tripping is a manipulative tactic used to manipulate and control others by making them feel guilty, ashamed, or obligated to act in a certain way. There are several phrases commonly used in guilt-tripping, including:

• “I can’t believe you would do this to me.” • “How could you be so selfish?” • “I did so much for you, and this is how you repay me?” • “Don’t you care about me?” • “I thought you were better than this.” • “After everything I’ve done for you, this is how you treat me?” • “I trusted you.” • “I don’t understand how you could do this.” •”I never thought you would hurt me like this.” • “I thought we had something special.”

If someone uses these phrases to control you, standing up for yourself and setting boundaries is essential. You deserve to be treated with respect and control over your decisions and actions.

How Do We Respond to Guilt Trips From Mom?

Responding to guilt trips from our mothers can be a challenging situation. However, some strategies can help us handle these feelings and communicate effectively with our mothers.

• Acknowledge your feelings: Understanding and acknowledging our guilt is important before responding to our mother’s guilt trip. This can help us stay calm and composed during the conversation.

• Communicate clearly: Be clear and direct in your communication. Let your mother know how her guilt trip makes you feel and why you will not comply with her request.

• Set boundaries: Guilt trips can happen when we feel like we’re not meeting our mother’s expectations. It’s important to set clear boundaries and communicate what we’re comfortable with.

• Empathize: Try to understand where your mother is coming from and her motivations. This can help you respond to her more understanding and compassionately.

• Focus on the present: Guilt trips often stem from past or future expectations. Try to focus on the present moment and what you can do right now to address the situation.

• Seek support: If you’re feeling overwhelmed by the guilt trip, reach out to friends, family members, or a therapist for support. Talking to someone can help you process your feelings and gain a fresh perspective on the situation.

• Practice self-care: Taking care of yourself can help you feel more resilient and empowered in the face of guilt trips. Engage in activities that bring you joy and help you relax.

By using these strategies, we can respond to guilt trips from our mothers in a healthy and effective way. Remember, it’s okay to set boundaries and prioritize our own well-being.

How Do You Express Your Feelings Without Guilt-Tripping?

Expressing one’s feelings is an important aspect of communication and can help improve relationships. However, it’s essential to do so in a way that doesn’t make the other person feel guilty. Here’s how to express your feelings without guilt-tripping:

• Be clear and direct: Be clear and concise in your communication, and use “I” statements instead of blaming or accusing the other person. For instance, “I feel hurt when you don’t listen to me” instead of “You never listen to me.”

• Take responsibility for your own feelings: It’s important to remember that your feelings are your own responsibility, not someone else’s. So, instead of making the other person responsible for how you feel, express your feelings as your own experience.

• Focus on the behavior, not the person: When expressing your feelings, focus on specific behaviors or actions that are bothering you rather than attacking the person’s character.

• Be open to feedback: Be open to hearing the other person’s perspective, and try to see things from their point of view. This can help reduce tension and facilitate a more productive conversation.

• Avoid ultimatums: Avoid making demands or ultimatums, as this can create an environment of pressure and guilt. Instead, try to find a solution that works for both of you.

• Practice active listening: Listen attentively to the other person’s response, and try to understand their perspective. This can help avoid misunderstandings and create a more positive and respectful environment.

• Avoid blame or shame: Blaming can only worsen the situation and lead to defensiveness and further conflict. Instead, focus on finding a solution that works for you.

How useful was this post?

Click on a star to rate it!

As you found this post useful...

Share it on social media!

We are sorry that this post was not useful for you!

Let us improve this post!

Tell us how we can improve this post?

Talkspace is an innovative online therapy platform that connects you with licensed therapists, offering accessible mental health support right from your device. With flexible scheduling and a user-friendly interface, it empowers you to manage your well-being anytime, anywhere.

The Editors

• 13 July 2022

This Article Contains:

What is guilt-tripping, signs of guilt-tripping, examples of guilt-tripping, how to respond, frequently asked questions, what is guilt-tripping what is emotional guilt-tripping, guilt-tripping and gaslighting: is guilt-tripping a form of gaslighting are they the same.

• Is guilt-tripping a form of abuse? When does it become emotional abuse?

How to respond to a guilt trip? What are some ways to get out of guilt trips?

What is an example of guilt-tripping in relationships, how can i respond to guilt-tripping parents, is guilt-tripping toxic, what are some impacts of guilt trips, how to respond to guilt trips, what are some of the reasons for guilt-tripping, what are some things to know when a guilt trip occurs, what might be some common situations where a guilt trip occurs.

Guilt-tripping occurs when a person makes another feel guilty, to manipulate them into doing something. It is a form of passive aggressive behaviour that results from the person’s lack of ability or unwillingness to communicate openly, honestly, and assertively.

Communicating in a passive aggressive way can have negative consequences for both the sender and recipient of guilt trips. Because guilt-tripping is manipulative, in the long term, people may distance themselves from someone who frequently dishes them out. As for a person at the receiving end of guilt trips, resentment may build over time, ultimately affecting the relationship.

If there was something that you did not want to do but did so anyway at someone else’s bidding to avoid feelings of guilt, chances are that a guilt trip may have occurred. This also applies the other way: if you did  not  do something that you wanted to do, to avoid feelings of guilt. At one point or another, we have probably guilt-tripped others too. It might have been conscious or unconscious. A guilt trip can come from anyone. This includes friends, family members, relatives, colleagues, and romantic partners. They might even come from professionals whom we engage with.

In fact, guilt-tripping is most likely to occur (and is most successful) in relationships that are the closest to us. Why? Because we are most emotionally vulnerable with the people who are closest to us. We don’t want them to feel bad, so we comply. This is how guilt operates as such a strong motivator in our close relationships. Taking counselling or help from a psychologist is a good solution to calm the questions arising in your mind.

Guilt-tripping can appear in many ways. At times, guilt-tripping may be obvious. At other times, guilt trips may slip under the radar. Here are some telltale signs of guilt-tripping.

• Using statements or behaviour that directly make you feel guilty
• Using sarcasm to put you down
• Using unclear statements or behaviour
• Using passive-aggressive statements or behaviour
• Reminding you that you owe them a favour
• Reminding you that they have done so much, and that you, in contrast, have not pulled your weight
• Bringing up “history” of the mistakes you have made in the past
• Indirectly suggesting that something is wrong, but staying silent and refusing to communicate with you (ie the silent treatment)
• Ignoring your attempts to discuss the issue
• Showing a lack of interest in doing things to make the situation better themselves
• Holding back affection or communication as a way of punishing you

Guilt-tripping can come from anyone. Often, guilt trips come from those closest to us. These could be family members, friends, romantic partners, or colleagues. Here are some ideas about what guilt-tripping examples might look like in various aspects of life. Keep in mind that these are just examples for discussion. Depending on the situation, the same statement or behaviour may or may not be considered guilt-tripping. There could also be other situations not listed here that might constitute guilt-tripping.

Imagine that your partner and you have a nice evening planned. You managed to get a reservation at your favourite restaurant in advance. At the last minute, a family emergency crops up that needs to be handled immediately, leaving you with no choice but to cancel the evening plans with your partner. A guilt-tripping response might sound something like, “It’s alright, I know you’re always too busy for me. I’ll just have dinner alone then.” Such a response invokes guilt and makes you feel bad for having to cancel, despite your legitimate reasons.

Guilt trips can also occur at home. Imagine a parent saying, “I’ve done so much for you over the years. Are you saying that you can’t do this one thing for me?” Examples might include daily house chores, running an errand, or other favours. Do you see how guilt plays a central role here?

Always consider the contextual factors. What is more important is the impact of the person’s actions on you. The rare guilt-tripping for something trivial might not leave much of an impact on you. If you are uncertain or struggling, however, check with someone whom you trust. Another option is to consult a professional psychotherapist . You do not have to wait for the problem to be worse before you work on making the situation better.

Many factors play a role in determining how you may respond to guilt-tripping. These include your ability to communicate assertively, the gravity of the situation, the impact of the guilt trip on you, and even the amount of time you have in that moment.

Recognise and acknowledge the guilt trip

Start with self-awareness. The first step is to be aware of what is happening. Know the signs of guilt-tripping. Recognise and acknowledge the guilt trip for what it is. This may sound simple as you read it now. However, it can be much harder to spot the signs of guilt-tripping when we are emotionally involved in the situation. If you are in doubt, what can be helpful is to check in with someone you trust, or a  professional therapist .

Understand the impact of guilt-tripping on you

Observe what happens when you experience a guilt trip from someone else. What exactly makes you feel guilty? Could it be something about the person themselves? Or might it be about the situation at hand? What else is happening around you? What about within you? Are there other emotions present besides guilt? Could there be any resentment? Fear? Anger? What might be underlying these emotions? In what other situations do you remember feeling this way? What thoughts are running through your mind?

Consider your options

When you are being guilt-tripped.

It can be helpful to start by understanding that another person’s behaviour is out of your control. No matter how hard you try to convince them, how they choose to behave is ultimately their decision. Focus instead on what you can control – your response. Do what you can. Acknowledge that the rest is not within your control.

Some immediate options for you include calling out the behaviour directly (but politely) and limiting your exposure to the person. You may also wish to have an open conversation with the person who is guilt-tripping you. 

For all you know, they might not have even realised that they were guilt-tripping you, or that their behaviour had such an impact on you. What other options can you come up with for the given situation? Remember, you always have the option to say no. Who else can support you in this situation? There is absolutely no shame in seeking help.

Instead of merely responding to each situation, is there any way that we can prevent guilt-tripping altogether for the long-term?

If you have the capacity to do so, you may go one step further by considering what the other party needs. Behind each guilt trip is often a request of some sort, an unmet need . This could be a longing to connect, or a longing to be understood, for instance. What could be their unmet need? While the underlying need might be valid, the way it is expressed (ie a guilt trip) might have been poorly chosen. One option is to find out more about the person’s situation or why they might have chosen guilt-tripping as a means of communicating with you. Ask open-ended questions gently. When they speak,  listen empathically . It sometimes helps when you start by sharing your own feelings first.

Guilt-tripping may appear in any of our relationships, especially those closest to us. It may be easy or hard to spot, and intentional or unintentional. Recognising the signs of guilt-tripping is an important starting point. Only then can you assess the impact of a guilt trip on yourself and consider your options. 

When you are guilt-tripping another person

If you are guilt-tripping someone else, here are some things you can do instead. Again, we need to start with awareness. You can’t stop or reduce guilt-tripping others if you are unaware that it is happening. First, know the guilt-tripping meaning and signs. Next, ask yourself this: “When I guilt-tripped the other person, what was I trying to achieve?” You may then brainstorm other ways to achieve the same outcome.

Consider this example. Let’s say you would like someone catch a movie with you. Guilt-tripping might sound something like, “I always agree to your requests. Don’t you think you should go with me this time?” Instead, try making the same request in a way that does not involve guilt in the other party. For instance, “I am planning to catch a movie and would love your company if you can make it.”

If guilt-tripping has been your go-to habit for some time, it might take some time and effort to get used to communicating differently. That’s okay. We all start somewhere. It’s better late than never. Communicating sincerely takes a lot of courage as it puts us in a vulnerable position, so struggling with it initially is normal. It gets better with practice. Be patient with yourself.

Guilt-tripping occurs when someone makes another feel guilty, to manipulate them into doing or not doing something.

Both gaslighting and guilt-tripping involve manipulation. 

• Gaslighting refers to psychologically manipulating someone into doubting themselves.
• Guilt-tripping refers to manipulating someone into doing or not doing something, by making them feel guilty.

However, a difference between the two is the desired outcome (whether intentional or not). The aim of gaslighting is to confuse a person and make them second-guess their reality, while the aim of a guilt-trip is to make a person feel guilty so they take (or not take) a particular action. 

Nonetheless, both guilt-tripping and gaslighting may be either intentional or unintentional.

Is guilt-tripping a form of emotional abuse? When does it become emotional abuse?

It is possible that guilt trips may be one manipulation tactic used in emotional abuse , among others. In determining if guilt-tripping constitutes emotional abuse, a professional may consider many other factors beyond guilt-tripping, such as the perpetrator’s patterns of manipulative or controlling behaviour. If you are worried that yourself or someone you know might be a victim of emotional abuse, consult a professional therapist.

There are many ways to respond to guilt trips. Some options include saying no, calling out the guilt trip, and limiting your exposure to individuals who often guilt trip you. Depending on your relationship with the person, you may choose to have an open and honest conversation with them. Alternatively, confide in a family member or trusted friend. You may also work with a professional therapist to improve your coping skills when faced with guilt trips. Another option is to practise assertiveness skills. 

An example of a guilt trip in a relationship might be, “I went shopping for groceries and cooked the meal myself. Are you expecting me to wash the dishes too?” A more assertive way to phrase the same request might be, “I am feeling quite tired after cooking, would it be alright if you helped with the dishes today?”

Experiencing guilt trips from family members can be very frustrating, especially when it occurs repeatedly. Your family members may not be aware of how much their guilt trips are impacting you, or that their behaviour constitutes guilt trips.

Choose an appropriate time (not in the middle of an argument!) to share your feelings openly and honestly. It can help to think about what your family member might be feeling, behind the guilt trip. What might they be experiencing?

If a conversation does not reduce the guilt trips, consider how you might be able to manage your emotions when the guilt trips occur. Speaking to a professional therapist can be useful here.

Guilt trips can damage relationships in many ways. For instance, anger and resentment may build up when guilt trips happen again and again. It can also impact an individual’s wellbeing.

The impact of a guilt trip depends very much on the situation. Some possible impacts include the buildup of anger and resentment over time, poorer well-being, strained relationships, and avoidance of relationships in which guilt-tripping occurs. The guilt may also become increasingly pervasive and affect other aspects of a person’s life.

Keep in mind that intended outcomes of guilt trips are not necessarily always bad. Indeed, the underlying intention may be to reinforce positive behaviours, such as volunteering, not driving while under the influence of alcohol, leading a healthy lifestyle, saving the environment, and work life balance etc. However, particularly over the long term, it would help the relationship to have a more open, direct and honest communication style, rather than engage in guilt-tripping. 

First, know what “guilt-tripping” means and familiarise yourself with the signs of guilt-tripping. Next, evaluate the impact of the guilt trip on you. Finally, consider the options available to you.

There can be various reasons behind guilt-tripping. On one end, guilt-tripping could be entirely unconscious. One example would be when an individual does not know any other way to communicate or express their needs. On the other end, there may be individuals who use guilt-tripping intentionally, to manipulate others into doing what they want them to.

Sometimes, guilt-tripping is chosen because it is the easy way out. Simply put, communicating in an open, honest, and assertive way, is effortful and tiring. Being open and honest about our needs and feelings also puts us in a vulnerable position where we might be rejected. That can be scary for us.

Guilt trips are not always obvious. They may also be intentional or unintentional. When guilt trips are unintentional, it is possible that the person does not know any other way to make their request. This might be due to learned behaviours and modelling as they grew up. If you are struggling with a guilt trip, confide in someone you trust. Alternatively, bring up your concerns with a professional counsellor .

We are more likely to receive guilt trips from someone close to us. This is because when we feel emotionally closer to someone, we are more vulnerable to guilt trips. When one person keeps on guilt-tripping another, the other person is likely to recognise the guilt trips at some point. One possible outcome is that the recipient may then build resentment towards the person engaging in guilt-tripping. It is also possible that the recipient may at some point end up guilt-tripping too, as a form of retaliation.

Related Articles

More articles, recent posts.

• Mental Health Services in Malaysia
• Depression Anxiety Stress Scale
• Mental Health in Malaysia
• Meaning of Therapists & What They Do
• Is Depression a Mental Illness

• Coping Tools

How To Protect Yourself From A Guilt Trip

What's your struggle?

Learn what a guilt trip looks like, how to recognize one, and how to protect yourself. Also find tips on how to bounce back from real guilty feelings.

What is a guilt trip?

The plain emotion of guilt has real positive effects and motivates change. In contrast, guilt trips are inappropriate projections of guilt, meant to make you feel ashamed and bad about yourself. People often use guilt trips to get their way or feel better about themselves — at your emotional expense.

It’s not always a manipulative friend or narcissist inducing your shame; sometimes guilt is just appropriate.

We accidentally hurt a coworker, or left a good friend hanging. In these situations, we feel guilty for a reason, and the clear solution is to make amends. A thorough apology may do the trick and resolve your guilt, or you can make amends by righting a wrong you caused. 

In a guilt trip, guilt transitions from a useful emotion to a weapon. When someone lays a guilt trip on you, it’s almost impossible to protect yourself – after all, they’re telling you that it’s your fault, that you hurt them, . The impulse to protect yourself can make the guilt even worse if you’re not careful. 

To help avoid unnecessary shame and pain from guilt trips, we compiled a guide for how to tell if you’re receiving a guilt trip, and how to protect yourself if you are. We also go through what to do if you genuinely screwed up – because nobody’s immune to the occasional mis-step.

Protect yourself from unnecessary guilt

In a guilt trip, it’s hard to know how much of their talk is sincere, and how much is just meant to make you do what they want. Before taking action, it’s helpful to reframe the situation in an accurate and unbiased light.

Recognize a guilt trip by reframing

Guilt is a strong emotion, and it can easily warp the reality of the situation you’re in. Guilt trips can feel like you’re being blamed for problems that don’t exist, that you couldn’t have possibly caused — but the other person is so convincing, you start to doubt reality.

The first step in protecting yourself from guilt trips is recognizing when you’re being sent on one.

So when you think you might be a victim of a guilt trip, reframing the situation can show you whether you should resist , or actually change your behavior.

Hot vs. cool focus

When we reflect on our behavior, we use either a “hot” or “cool” attentional focus.

A “hot” perspective is one colored by emotion, and a “cool” perspective is more logical. Luckily, there are techniques available to shift to a cool perspective in assessing your guilt. 

Technique 1: Think about the situation in concrete, not abstract, terms. 

Don’t magnify . For example, perhaps you’ve had a fight with your best friend. Many people begin thinking “This is the end of the friendship,” or “I am a bad person.” Is this helpful? Is it true? Stick to the facts of the situation, and don’t assume that your mistake is bigger than it really is.  

Technique 2: Imagine that someone else is in this situation instead of you.  

Just like there’s no fun in tickling someone who’s not ticklish, guilt trippers won’t even try when they know you’ll move right on.

What if your friend were feeling guilty for the same thing you are? What about your mom, or your significant other? Do you think they should feel as bad as you do? Likely not so much. We tend to be our own worst critic, and while we are usually quite forgiving of others’ mistakes, we may not remember to extend that compassion and understanding to ourselves. 

Technique 3: Consider how you will feel about the situation in the distant future. 

In 5 or 10 years, will you still be as upset about the situation? Will it have drastically altered your life? Again, it’s probably not likely. Most things are just another small step in our growing experience of life. It may seem important now, but it probably won’t be soon.

A “cool” focus helps us reframe our thoughts in a more accurate light, but it still keeps us thinking about the situation.

Shut down a guilt trip by ignoring unfair guilt

You can’t exactly stop someone from laying a guilt trip on you; and you certainly can’t get them to admit they’re unjustly faulting you.

So the most realistic and foolproof way to protect yourself from guilt trips is to make yourself immune to them.

It’s important to remember that you are not what others say you are , and there is more to who you are than the shame and false responsibility you feel.

Guilt trips can be all-consuming, so learn to step outside of them and think about yourself in a more holistic way. 

Step one is to separate your (potential) mistakes from your self-image. Think of all the things you like about yourself the most.

Mistakes don’t change our values, our good qualities, or our achievements — someone who cares about you will believe that, too, instead of guilt tripping you.

To become better people, we have to make mistakes to learn! And that right there makes guilt trips ineffective and counterproductive. If someone is trying to make you feel bad, instead of helping you grow from a real mistake — you have every right to Just. Ignore. Them.

What about if I really did something wrong?

Most of the time, our emotions are useful. Outside of unfair guilt trips, remorse prompts us to adjust our behavior in line with who we want to be. Guilt can be a particularly effective emotion in encouraging change — harness it. 

Apologize where appropriate

If you feel reasonable guilt at something you may have done, the single best thing you can do is apologize. A good apology shows that you take responsibility for your actions, feel remorse, and plan to change.

If you’ve hurt someone, apologize to them directly when you can. If you can’t, try writing down what you would say. Internalize your message and take it to heart. 

The components of an effective apology:

A complete apology should make you and the other person feel better. But we don’t always know where to start.

Research has uncovered a set of specific parts that equal a satisfying, effective apology. To increase your chances of making up, include as many of the following points as possible:

• Express Regret: let them know you wish this hadn’t happened, that you know they’re hurting, and that seeing them in pain makes you feel regret.
• Explain What Happened: show you understand exactly what was upsetting and how they see the series of events that brought you here. Validate their perspective.
• Acknowledge the Part You Played: make sure to mention your role in the hurtful situation. It might hurt your ego to take responsibility, but it will help reduce your guilt in the long run.
• State Your Remorse and Repent: in addition to expressing regret (that you feel bad for what happened), express that you feel so bad about this, that you feel driven to keep it from happening again. If you could do it over, you would – and in future situations, you will act differently.
• Offer To Make It Better: suggest something you could do to make the situation better for the person you hurt. This could include running an errand you made them miss, taking on some chores so they can de-stress, or replacing something of theirs you broke. Anything to either directly repair your mis-step, or to compensate for it.
• Ask For Forgiveness: according to research, this is the least important part of a proper apology. This part can be more self-serving than the rest — an effective apology keeps the focus on what the other person is experiencing, rather than your uncomfortable emotions. Our view is, do all you can to make things better for the other person, and the forgiveness will probably come without you asking for it.

Sometimes we feel guilty for things we do to ourselves, but showing yourself remorse and forgiveness is just as important as when you do so for others. To get rid of that bad feeling, try journaling out an apology you can read to yourself. 

Can’t stop feeling guilty? 

Though emotions can be useful in encouraging change, sometimes they can go off the rails and make us feel bad without any real purpose . Maybe you aren’t able to make amends for your guilt, or maybe your guilt tripper can’t see reality. Either way, the guilt is no longer useful — so what do you do with it? 

Consider your guilt as a learning experience. Guilt tells you that you don’t like what you did. So, what would you do differently if you encountered this situation again? What does your guilt tell you about your values? How does reflecting on the situation make you feel? 

Maybe you made a mistake and can’t fix it. It happens! But now, after thinking about it, you have:

• learned something new about yourself
• grown as a person
• created a new datapoint for successfully maneuvering the future
• used your guilt productively

Isn’t that something to celebrate? If you’re still not convinced, talking about it might help.

Guilt trips don’t work and hurt everyone

There’s no way around it — guilt feels awful. The only way to move past guilt is to use it. Consider it realistically. Grow from it. And, of course, be kind to yourself. Guilt means you truly care, and that alone is something wonderful. 

Still feeling guilty? Your peers at Supportiv can help talk you through it . 

Read more on

Similar articles, don’t care about anything enjoy life again, keep chronic loneliness from affecting your brain and body, how to cope after a coworker’s suicide, (alternative) ways to journal that work, let's start the conversation.

• Conversational Arc
• Data & Ethics
• Supporting Science
• Tech & Data
• Testimonials
• Versus Competitors
• Resource Library
• Behavioral Health / EAP
• Medicare / Seniors
• Military / Veterans
• Population Health
• Public Sector
• News & Updates
• IP Licensing
• Privacy Policy
• Terms of Use

© 2024 Supportiv. All rights reserved.

Supportiv does not offer advice, diagnosis, treatment or crisis counseling. Peer support is not a replacement for therapy. Please consult with a doctor or licensed counselor for professional mental health assistance.

Supportiv products and services are covered by one or more US Patents No. US11368423B1 and US11468133B1.

For anonymous peer-to-peer support, try a chat .

For organizations, use this form or email us at [email protected] . Our team will be happy to assist you!

• Zoom Demo or Meeting
• 1,000 - 5,000
• 5,001 - 20,000
• 20,001 - 75,000

By sending you accept our Privacy Policy

• To save this word, you'll need to log in. Log In

Definition of guilt-trip

 (Entry 1 of 2)

transitive verb

Definition of guilt trip  (Entry 2 of 2)

Examples of guilt-trip in a Sentence

These examples are programmatically compiled from various online sources to illustrate current usage of the word 'guilt-trip.' Any opinions expressed in the examples do not represent those of Merriam-Webster or its editors. Send us feedback about these examples.

Word History

1974, in the meaning defined above

1970, in the meaning defined above

Dictionary Entries Near guilt-trip

Cite this entry.

“Guilt-trip.” Merriam-Webster.com Dictionary , Merriam-Webster, https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/guilt-trip. Accessed 22 May. 2024.

Subscribe to America's largest dictionary and get thousands more definitions and advanced search—ad free!

Can you solve 4 words at once?

Word of the day.

See Definitions and Examples »

Get Word of the Day daily email!

Popular in Grammar & Usage

More commonly misspelled words, your vs. you're: how to use them correctly, every letter is silent, sometimes: a-z list of examples, more commonly mispronounced words, how to use em dashes (—), en dashes (–) , and hyphens (-), popular in wordplay, the words of the week - may 17, birds say the darndest things, a great big list of bread words, 10 scrabble words without any vowels, 12 more bird names that sound like insults (and sometimes are), games & quizzes.

• PRO Courses Guides New Tech Help Pro Expert Videos About wikiHow Pro Upgrade Sign In
• EDIT Edit this Article
• EXPLORE Tech Help Pro About Us Random Article Quizzes Request a New Article Community Dashboard This Or That Game Popular Categories Arts and Entertainment Artwork Books Movies Computers and Electronics Computers Phone Skills Technology Hacks Health Men's Health Mental Health Women's Health Relationships Dating Love Relationship Issues Hobbies and Crafts Crafts Drawing Games Education & Communication Communication Skills Personal Development Studying Personal Care and Style Fashion Hair Care Personal Hygiene Youth Personal Care School Stuff Dating All Categories Arts and Entertainment Finance and Business Home and Garden Relationship Quizzes Cars & Other Vehicles Food and Entertaining Personal Care and Style Sports and Fitness Computers and Electronics Health Pets and Animals Travel Education & Communication Hobbies and Crafts Philosophy and Religion Work World Family Life Holidays and Traditions Relationships Youth
• Browse Articles
• Learn Something New
• Quizzes Hot
• This Or That Game
• Train Your Brain
• Explore More
• Support wikiHow
• About wikiHow
• Log in / Sign up
• Psychological Health
• Emotions and Feelings

How to Give Someone a Guilt Trip

Last Updated: August 6, 2023 References

This article was co-authored by wikiHow staff writer, Amy Bobinger . Amy Bobinger has been a writer and editor at wikiHow since 2017. She especially enjoys writing articles that help people overcome interpersonal hurdles but frequently covers a variety of subjects, including health and wellness, spirituality, gardening, and more. Amy graduated with a B.A. in English Lit from Mississippi College in 2011 and now lives in her hometown with her husband and two young sons. This article has been viewed 678,396 times. Learn more...

Giving someone a guilt trip can be an effective way to manipulate them to apologize to you or give you what you want. However, if you successfully guilt trip someone, there's a good chance they could end up resenting you for it. [1] X Research source If you do choose to use guilt trips, just try to remember that your relationship with the other person is probably more important than getting your way.

How to Guilt-Trip Someone into Apologizing

• For instance, if you found out that your boyfriend was out with another woman, you might start by asking him something like, "Why didn't you answer the phone when I called you earlier?" If he says he was at work, you could say, “No you weren't, because I called there too.”
• If you know your teenager took cash out of your wallet, you could say, “Where did you get the money to go to the movies last night?”
• Be careful of accusing someone of something they may not have done. If they get blamed when they haven't done anything, they might start to feel like they might as well do whatever they're accused of.

• For example, if you're trying to get your spouse to apologize for being irritable, you might say, “It's not the first time you've snapped at me. Remember the other day when you said...?"
• Only do this when you absolutely must, since it opens the door for the other person to bring up things they feel you've done to hurt them as well.

• Say something like, "How can you say you love me and then lie to me?"
• You could also say "It really hurt my feelings that you forgot my birthday. Don't I matter to you?"

• If someone takes something from you without permission, you could say, "After everything I've given you, how could you steal from me?”
• You might also say something like, "I guess it didn't mean anything to you that I brought you flowers the other day, since you want to pick a fight with me today."
• You could also say something like, “I've cooked dinner for you every night for 5 years, but you can't remember to pick up a carton of milk on the way home?”
• Overdoing this can actually make the person less grateful over time, since whenever you do something nice for them, they'll be wondering how long it will be before you throw it back in their face.

• For instance, if you want your boyfriend to apologize for texting another girl, he might try to make you feel guilty for going through his phone. In this case, you could say something like, "Well, it turns out I had a reason to be suspicious, didn't I?"
• Even if you lose your temper, you can say something along the lines of, "I wouldn't yell if you didn't make me feel like this!"
• Refusing to admit when you're wrong might be an effective technique for a guilt trip, but it's not a good approach to having a healthy relationship.

• Play on the other person's emotions, as well. Use words like "disappointed," "selfish," and “ashamed” to fuel their internal guilt.

How to Get Something You Want

• For instance, if you want a new phone, you might start off by saying, “Hey Dad, check out my report card! I only got one B this whole year!”
• If you're trying to get someone to donate to your charitable organization, you could list some of the good things the charity has done to help the community.

• For instance, if you want your parents to take you out to eat, you might say, "I was really hoping we could go somewhere and spend time as a family, but I guess that's not important."
• If you want a new outfit, you might say, “I feel embarrassed because my clothes aren't as nice as the other kids at school.”
• Use exaggerated language like “always” and “never” to further your point. For instance, you might say, “You always work, and you never spend any time with me.”

• For instance, you might say "Don't you want me to be happy?" or “By helping me, you'd be making yourself feel good, too!”
• You could also "Don't you love me?" or "If you really loved me, you'd..."
• Keep in mind that your parents actually do love you, and exploiting that for something small is a mean manipulative trick. It might be effective, but it also might make them mad.

• If they say no the first time, say something like, "I know you said no, but think about it like this..."
• You could also wait a few days, then say, "I wish you would reconsider letting me drive your car this weekend.”

Quiz Pack: We’ve handpicked these quizzes just for you.

Expert Q&A

• Never try to guilt-trip someone into having sex with you. That kind of coercion is considered a form of sexual assault. Thanks Helpful 79 Not Helpful 18
• There are plenty of positive ways to try to get people to do or say what you want. Guilt trips should be used as a last resort, if at all. Thanks Helpful 49 Not Helpful 13
• Avoid explicit lies and elaborate deceptions. Thanks Helpful 43 Not Helpful 12

You Might Also Like

• ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-squeaky-wheel/201305/7-ways-get-out-guilt-trips
• ↑ https://www.psychologies.co.uk/how-get-someone-tell-you-truth
• ↑ https://www.marieclaire.com/sex-love/a3982/guilt-breakup-100408/
• ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-squeaky-wheel/201305/7-ways-get-out-guilt-trips
• ↑ https://www.livescience.com/2796-key-fundraising-guilt-trips.html

About This Article

To give someone a guilt trip so they will apologize to you, start by asking them leading questions to get the person to admit what they did. You can also bring up similar past situations to make it seem like this is a pattern of behavior that you’ve come to expect from them. Then, tell the person that what they did makes you question the way you feel about them. If the person still isn't feeling guilty enough to apologize to you, kick the drama up a notch by crying, yelling, or making a scene. Don't forget to play on their emotions by using loaded words like "disappointed," "selfish," and “ashamed” to fuel their internal guilt! For tips on guilting someone into getting something you want, read on! Did this summary help you? Yes No

• Send fan mail to authors

Did this article help you?

Featured Articles

Trending Articles

Watch Articles

• Terms of Use
• Privacy Policy
• Do Not Sell or Share My Info
• Not Selling Info

wikiHow Tech Help Pro:

Develop the tech skills you need for work and life

Feeling good about feeling bad, or how guilt can make you better

It’s a complex emotion that can be a tool for growth if you go beyond using it for self-flagellation.

I’ve long since rendered the verdict on myself: I’m guilty. Yes, guilty as charged, guilty in the first degree, guilty on all counts. All my life I’ve felt every inch the guilty party. I’ve even managed to feel guilty about feeling guilty.

It’s amply documented that guilt, especially if excessive and left to persist unchecked, can produce problems ranging from the physical, such as headaches, indigestion and muscle tension, to the mental, chiefly stress, anxiety and depression .

But research also increasingly shows that guilt is a complex, multifaceted emotion, long miscast as little more than nagging neurosis and even masochism. Despite its reputation, guilt — once properly harnessed and leveraged — can be more positive than negative and therefore more tonic than toxic.

Yes, guilt can be good for you, which is why at long last, I’ve come to feel good about, well, sometimes feeling bad.

“We’ve only recently come to understand that guilt — historically perceived strictly as a distressing emotion — can be constructive,” says Will Bynum, an associate professor of family medicine and community health at the Duke University School of Medicine, who has studied guilt as well as its cousin, shame . “We now have a new concept of guilt as a potential source for growth. It can point us toward actions we can take to improve our lives.”

Could’ve, should’ve, would’ve

The American Psychological Association defines guilt as “a self-conscious emotion characterized by a painful appraisal of having done (or thought) something that is wrong and often by a readiness to take action designed to undo or mitigate this wrong.”

It’s a feeling of could’ve, should’ve, would’ve that’s often termed a “self-aware” emotion. It’s a twinge in our guts, a voice whispering warnings in our heads — it’s the reminder that we have a conscience.

Almost everyone at some point — except, say, psychopaths and sociopaths — feels the pang of guilt. In one study , 68 percent of participants reported having felt guilty at some point.

In the best case, guilt signals that we’ve come up short of the standards of behavior that we set for ourselves, as well as those of our culture and society.

“Guilt is a moral emotion,” says June Tangney, a professor of psychology at George Mason University and author of the book “ Shame and Guilt .” Her research on guilt is regarded as seminal and is widely cited. “Recognizing your guilt can be healthy for your relationships. Your guilt about your behavior focuses you on the person you harmed and directs you toward how you can do better in the future.”

Upset stomach, electric skin

Guilt is often experienced not only psychologically but also physically in the moment.

In a 2021 study, researchers interviewed Canadian adults and then showed them videos related to their interview responses and designed to induce guilt. For example, the researchers wrote, “before a video about starving children in need of donations, a participant would see ‘You donate less than the average Canadian.’”

Researchers found that guilt affected the autonomic nervous system, raising electrical activity in the skin, upsetting gastric rhythms in the stomach and lowering swallowing rates.

We humans have no difficulty finding satisfactory rationales for our guilt. A 2022 study identified 1,515 reasons that 604 German adults gave for feeling guilty.

Telling lies or withholding information or the truth topped the list, followed by spending too little time with or inadequately taking care of family members . Women proved more likely to feel guilty about family issues and the well-being of others, whereas men felt guilt more often about misbehavior and relationship problems.

The researchers said the disparity might reflect gender differences in Germany, where women “on average, spend 52.4% more time per day on unpaid care work … than men.” But they also equivocated, adding that “such differences should also not be overinterpreted or overemphasized.”

Nature and nurture

I’ve personally never lacked for reasons to feel guilty.

Growing up, I felt guilty because my mother had been stricken with spinal meningitis in infancy that left her profoundly deaf. I felt bad for her. It seemed unjust that I could hear. All through boyhood, guilt also gnawed at me for misbehaving in school, getting poor grades and being insufficiently athletic.

Into my mid-30s, I faulted myself — altogether justifiably, mind you — for my failures to work harder, earn or save enough money, establish my independence sooner and take my family responsibilities more seriously.

As in my case, guilt typically emerges early in our lives.

“Guilt comes from both nature and nurture,” says Michael Lewis, developmental psychologist and professor emeritus at the Rutgers Robert Wood Johnson Medical School, who has researched emotions in infancy and childhood.

“It has to do with the standards your parents expect you to meet as a child, and how they then respond to your missing the mark,” Lewis said. “If they encourage you to take responsibility for your failures, you’re given an opportunity to learn from the experience and improve.”

Trading remorse for relief

Of what, exactly, do I, at age 72, still feel guilty today? Much. But if I’ve learned anything (and, for the record, my wife seriously doubts it), it’s that feeling bad can occasionally be good for you.

My lifelong guilt trip has evolved into a guilty pleasure of sorts. Guilt fuels me with fresh incentive to do and be better. It forces me to recognize my mistakes, fulfill my obligations and apologize to those I’ve wronged. My guilt insistently steers me toward virtue.

I now see guilt as inherently instructive, tangible proof that I’ve learned from my misdeeds.

But this attitude is far from easy to achieve. Guilt affects us for good or for ill depending on how we experience and manage it. The trick to replacing remorse with relief, really, is to learn how to distinguish between the healthy guilt that can help you and the unhealthy kind. But how do we best acknowledge, address and channel our guilt?

Healthy guilt is realistic and justified, a self-correction that promotes personal development, whereas unhealthy guilt is distorted and festers, eating into our self-respect and stunting our growth.

To get better at managing guilt, for starters, accept responsibility for your guilt rather than try to deny its existence. Research says to give yourself credit for holding yourself accountable. Learn from your mistakes, make amends accordingly and, above all, forgive yourself.

“Anticipate your guilt,” advises Roy F. Baumeister, professor of psychology at the University of Queensland in Australia, president of the International Positive Psychology Association and author of numerous landmark studies about guilt .

“Thinking ahead about guilt works even better than later acknowledging it,” Baumeister says. “If you get an inkling you’re about to do wrong to someone and will feel guilty about it afterwards, just stop yourself. The sooner you see the guilt coming, the better prepared you’ll be to prevent it.”

Get Well+Being tips straight to your inbox

Read more from Well+Being

Well+Being shares news and advice for living well every day. Sign up for our newsletter to get tips directly in your inbox.

Diabetes, air pollution and alcohol consumption could be the biggest risk factors for dementia .

Dairy vs. plant milk : Which is better?

Why is my gas so smelly ? Gender, diet and plane rides can play a role.

Quitting can be a superpower that helps your mental health. Here’s how to quit smarter .

Our relationships with pets can be strong and uncomplicated.

• Cambridge Dictionary +Plus

Meaning of guilt trip in English

Your browser doesn't support HTML5 audio

• be/weigh on your conscience idiom
• breastbeating
• feel bad idiom
• guilt complex
• melancholia
• regretfully
• remorsefully

guilt trip | American Dictionary

Examples of guilt trip, translations of guilt trip.

Get a quick, free translation!

Word of the Day

ride off into the sunset

to begin a new, happy life at the end of a story

Searching out and tracking down: talking about finding or discovering things

Learn more with +Plus

• Recent and Recommended {{#preferredDictionaries}} {{name}} {{/preferredDictionaries}}
• Definitions Clear explanations of natural written and spoken English English Learner’s Dictionary Essential British English Essential American English
• Grammar and thesaurus Usage explanations of natural written and spoken English Grammar Thesaurus
• Pronunciation British and American pronunciations with audio English Pronunciation
• English–Chinese (Simplified) Chinese (Simplified)–English
• English–Chinese (Traditional) Chinese (Traditional)–English
• English–Dutch Dutch–English
• English–French French–English
• English–German German–English
• English–Indonesian Indonesian–English
• English–Italian Italian–English
• English–Japanese Japanese–English
• English–Norwegian Norwegian–English
• English–Polish Polish–English
• English–Portuguese Portuguese–English
• English–Spanish Spanish–English
• English–Swedish Swedish–English
• Dictionary +Plus Word Lists
• English    Noun Verb
• American    Noun
• Translations
• All translations

To add guilt trip to a word list please sign up or log in.

Add guilt trip to one of your lists below, or create a new one.

{{message}}

Something went wrong.

There was a problem sending your report.

• Cast & crew
• User reviews

The Guilt Trip

As inventor Andy Brewster is about to embark on the road trip of a lifetime, a quick stop at his mom's house turns into an unexpected cross-country voyage with her along for the ride. As inventor Andy Brewster is about to embark on the road trip of a lifetime, a quick stop at his mom's house turns into an unexpected cross-country voyage with her along for the ride. As inventor Andy Brewster is about to embark on the road trip of a lifetime, a quick stop at his mom's house turns into an unexpected cross-country voyage with her along for the ride.

• Anne Fletcher
• Dan Fogelman
• Jason Conzelman
• Barbra Streisand
• Julene Renee
• 131 User reviews
• 147 Critic reviews
• 50 Metascore
• 1 nomination

• Joyce Brewster

• Andrew Brewster

• K-Mart Receptionist
• (as Julene Renee-Preciado)

• K-Mart Executive

• Mature Singles Man
• Mature Singles Woman

• Young Joyce
• Toddler Andy
• Budget Car Renter

• Middlesex Voice Over
• All cast & crew
• Production, box office & more at IMDbPro

More like this

Did you know

• Trivia The Paramount Pictures marketing department were so certain that Barbra Streisand would gain a Golden Globe nomination for her performance, that not only did they put out an ad congratulating her victory, but posted it online moments before the nominations were announced, only to be swiftly pulled when Streisand ended up without the nod.
• Goofs On the way to see her old boy friend, Joyce uses Ben's name, not Andy's, when she is talking about not having seen him in thirty years.

Joyce Brewster : I wasn't meant to be with Andy Margolis. You see? I was meant to meet him, but I was meant to marry your father. Because if I hadn't, I wouldn't have had you. Don't you see, Andy? It was always you. You're the love of my life, baby. It will always be you.

• Crazy credits During the credits, more is shown of Andy and his mother dealing with each other during the long drive, that is, several of Rogen and Streisand's comic improvisations. The 'mini-screen' moves a few times to make room for the credits.
• Connections Featured in Maltin on Movies: The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey (2012)
• Soundtracks Howlin' For You Written by Dan Auerbach and Patrick J. Carney (as Patrick Carney) Performed by The Black Keys Courtesy of Nonesuch Records By arrangement with Warner Music Group Film & TV Licensing

User reviews 131

• May 5, 2013
• How long is The Guilt Trip? Powered by Alexa
• December 19, 2012 (United States)
• United States
• Official site
• My Mother's Curse
• Grand Canyon National Park, Arizona, USA
• Paramount Pictures
• Skydance Media
• Michaels Goldwyn
• See more company credits at IMDbPro
• $40,000,000 (estimated)
• $37,134,215
• Dec 23, 2012
• $41,863,726

Technical specs

• Runtime 1 hour 35 minutes
• Dolby Digital

Related news

Contribute to this page.

• See more gaps
• Learn more about contributing

More to explore

Recently viewed

• Don’t Guilt Trip Yourself

Hey Bonita,

How do I free myself of guilt? I’m not talking [about] normal, healthy guilt from doing something wrong, just constant people-pleasing guilt: choosing something for myself over something my family wants, not doing enough for everyone around me when my plate is full, slacking at work when I’m overwhelmed. I’m tired of feeling so guilty when I know I’m trying my best.

I don’t have a simple answer for that. What you’re talking about would call for a major shift in the paradigms around how you think about your relationships and what the individual owes to others. This is situational—your relationship to your job is completely different from the one you share with your parents, your partner or partners, and so on. 

I’ll start with work, and I’ll say to you what I’ve said in plenty of past columns: Work can’t love you back. Work is an agreed exchange of your time and labor for money, and it really shouldn’t be seen as more than that. I know that sounds crazy and lazy to the average boomer (my late father certainly didn’t appreciate me talking about jobs or work without reverence), but workplaces exploit the emotions of workers to get them to do more than they should. In a town that shamefully lacks both living wages and affordable housing, I hope that workers will one day follow the ruling class’ lead by putting themselves first. Leave a job that does not pay you well enough or expects you to do work that is not your actual responsibility. In the words of Janet Jackson: What have they done for you lately, anyway? Your workplace would not hesitate to replace you, so I think it’s in a worker’s best interest to have the same level of detachment when it comes to loyalty (or, really, the absence of it). Your boss is not your family, and neither are your coworkers—and seriously, if your boss or managers ever use that kind of language while underpaying and overworking you, update your resume and start looking because that is a red flag. You are already being exploited, my guy. Do not let your boss manipulate you into working yourself to death for a wage that can’t even keep you warm in winter.  

I know that sounds easier said than done, but you’re worth the trouble of a job search or relocation. Love yourself the way that your boss expects you to love that job. Disconnect the notion of your self worth from your labor, and resist the need to let your productivity define you. And hey, maybe your boss is great and your work is fun, but you’re just horribly burned out. Maybe it’s not a capitalist hellscape, and you just need to rest. Stop labeling your on-the-clock downtime as slacking (any honest person will admit that not every second of their workday is spent doing the actual tasks of work), and start planning a vacation. Create and maintain boundaries around work: If you work from home, I recommend setting real work hours and sticking to them. Uninstall Slack, Outlook, etc. before the start of your vacation—become truly uncontactable. Bring a copy of The Protestant Ethic and the Spirit of Capitalism by Max Weber with you. 

Loved ones are a different story. Personally I don’t believe that love should involve sacrifice that is painful. I mean, I would not be touched by an unemployed lover spending hundreds of dollars on me. I love them, so I would not want them to make their life more difficult for me. Personally I don’t put much stock in the honor of stress and strife, and I would hope that your loved ones love you enough to be proud when you choose yourself and your future over their desires. I mean, you’re an adult, right? You’re the one who has to live with your choices. Don’t be afraid to assert yourself, to tell your loved ones that it’s your life and you need to make decisions for yourself. I’ve done that and while it’s stressful at the moment, it’s always worth it in the end. Personal relationships can also benefit greatly from healthy boundaries.

Need advice? Email  [email protected] , or use our anonymous online form at  flagpole.com/get-advice .

Like what you just read? Support Flagpole by making a donation today . Every dollar you give helps fund our ongoing mission to provide Athens with quality, independent journalism.

• 1970 Vietnam Demonstrations at UGA Dwarfed Today’s Palestine Protests
• Cookie Ritter Releases Birds Sing Just Because , And More Music News and Gossip
• Learn the Buzz About Bees at the Athens Area Honeybee Festival
• Mark Katzman’s Psychedelic, Literary-Forward Novel M7

RELATED ARTICLES BY AUTHOR

Proof is in the Healing

Exploring a sober sex life, complicated mixed signals, addressing inappropriate behavior.

Meet Cute Presents: Guilt Trip, an audio romantic comedy. A decidedly unpolished flight attendant has one week to prove to her high school sweetheart that she’s not the terrible person he thinks she is.

Guilt Trip Meet Cute

• MAY 13, 2024

Guilt Trip - Trailer

Meet Cute Presents: Guilt Trip, an audio romantic comedy. A decidedly unpolished flight attendant has one week to prove to her high school sweetheart that she’s not the terrible person he thinks she is. Follow @MeetCute on Instagram and @MeetCuteRomComs on Twitter & TikTok.

• © 2024 Meet Cute

Top Podcasts In Fiction

How to Stop Laying Guilt Trips

Uncovering the secret payoffs that guilt tripping provides.

Posted July 8, 2014

• Coping With Guilt
• Find a therapist near me

In my first article on Guilt Trips, I explained how to stop being taken on guilt trips.

In this article, I am going to help you stop laying guilt trips on others.

If we want to ditch the guilt trip habit, we must first understand the motivations that fuel guilt tripping and the rewards that we obtain by laying them.

Most people don’t know that laying a guilt trip is a stealth way of venting buried anger .

This pattern forms in childhood when kids are naturally afraid of their own angry feelings toward their parents. This fear stems from the magical thinking that is the hallmark of a child’s brain.

A key aspect of magical thinking is the belief that feelings are the same as actions. So, if we feel angry at our parents that’s the same as killing them. Obviously, we can’t risk losing our parents, so we automatically bury our anger.

The buried anger morphs into self-attack. Buried anger can also cause us to play the victim role.

When a kid (or adult) plays the victim, he/she is indirectly pointing the finger and saying, “You bastard. Look at how you harmed me.”

In other words, a guilt trip is often a secret expression of anger!

I’ll never forget a patient who told me that when she was a young girl she frequently knocked herself unconscious by running full force into the wall. Right before going out, she would say to herself, “Now my parents are going to suffer when they see how they hurt me.”

By playing the victim, she was punishing her parents with guilt as a way of venting her anger toward them. This, by the way, is the mechanism behind suicide .

Obviously, the victim’s guilt tripping tactics backfire bigtime. This is because the receiver of the trip hears the unspoken accusation. When we feel accused, it’s natural to respond with anger. But, when the tripper is met with anger rather than understanding, the tripper gets angrier, and lays more trips. Now, we’re in a vicious cycle that ends in break ups, divorce and even domestic violence .

So how can we break this cycle and stop the trips once and for all?

First, we must be aware that our guilt trips are secret expressions of anger.

Next, we must realize that anger isn’t our emotional bottom line. Simply put, anger is a smokescreen that conceals the more vulnerable feelings of hurt, fear and sadness. It's common for humans to bury these vulnerable feelings and convert them into anger.

For example, I recently met with a young boy and his mom who complained that her son was attacking her. I watched him biting and kicking her in my office. Suddenly, I said to him, “I get it. You turn your sadness and hurt into anger.” He grinned from ear to ear, happy to be understood. Then, his mom said, “Oh my gosh. That’s what I do!”

When we realize that anger masks our more vulnerable emotions, the next thing we need to know is that these vulnerable feelings come from disappointment over our needs not being met. Our needs often go unmet because we don’t directly state what we want. And, many of us learned to shy away from stating what we want because we were mocked or punished for openly expressing our needs as kids.

As a consequence, many of us learned to “express” our needs through manipulation and guilt trips. And, if these tactics worked for us when we were kids, we continue these ploys into adulthood.

In the shortrun, we may get what we want by manipulating another person. But, remember, when we use guilt trips to get our way we are ultimately getting in our own way!

In the not very distant long run our trips create relationship friction and fighting.

For starters it’s infuriating, as I said, to be on the receiving end of a trip.

And, it’s not uncommon for the person who gives in to a guilt trip to do a slow burn. In which case, we will receive pay backs down the line, often in the form of another refusal of something else that we desire. Then, when we’re thwarted, we lay more guilt trips, and soon we’re caught in a major vicious cycle.

There’s only one way to eliminate the guilt tripping habit: substitute it with direct communications in which we state what we want.

Before I close, I want to mention one other reason we may lay guilt trips: to get another person to shut up.

How does this work?

If we’re sensitive and get wounded easily, we may have learned that acting insulted, crying and overreacting effectively shuts down another person’s communication to us.

But, what if the other person needs to tell us what we’re doing or saying that doesn’t work for him or her?

If we play the wounded victim and manipulate and guilt trip the other person into silence, we will manage to not hear what we don’t want to hear…

But our relationships get washed up when we use guilt trips to shut our partners up.

This is because our partners must be able to share how they are experiencing us and vice versa.

So now we’re in a ping-pong game. Our partners need to be heard. But to be heard, we need to communicate in a way that isn’t wounding. Otherwise, we’ll never break free of the guilt trips that are being used to shut the other up.

The bottom line is this. Learning how to properly communicate our thoughts and feelings is the secret to ditching the guilt trips. My book, Kiss Your Fights Good-bye shows you step-by-step how to adopt these healthier forms of communication.

Dr. Jamie Turndorf Ph.D., is a relationship therapist, emotional communication expert, author and advice columnist.

• Find a Therapist
• Find a Treatment Center
• Find a Psychiatrist
• Find a Support Group
• Find Online Therapy
• United States
• Brooklyn, NY
• Chicago, IL
• Houston, TX
• Los Angeles, CA
• New York, NY
• Portland, OR
• San Diego, CA
• San Francisco, CA
• Seattle, WA
• Washington, DC
• Asperger's
• Bipolar Disorder
• Chronic Pain
• Eating Disorders
• Passive Aggression
• Personality
• Goal Setting
• Positive Psychology
• Stopping Smoking
• Low Sexual Desire
• Relationships
• Child Development
• Self Tests NEW
• Therapy Center
• Diagnosis Dictionary
• Types of Therapy

At any moment, someone’s aggravating behavior or our own bad luck can set us off on an emotional spiral that threatens to derail our entire day. Here’s how we can face our triggers with less reactivity so that we can get on with our lives.

• Emotional Intelligence
• Gaslighting
• Affective Forecasting
• Neuroscience

The Guilt Trip Express

Verified by business owner 1 month ago

People also searched for

restaurants

Location & Hours

Suggest an edit

1525 13th Ave

Seattle, WA 98122

Pine St & Pike St

Capitol Hill

Serving Seattle Area

Other Indian Nearby

India Bistro

4.2 miles away from The Guilt Trip Express

Volha A. said "Came here for the first time to try their lunch buffet not expecting too much from it for the $8.75 per person or something like that. Well, turns out that this place is better that your average buffet style restaurant. The food…" read more

in Cocktail Bars, Indian, Seafood

Chili’s South Indian Restaurant

3.0 miles away from The Guilt Trip Express

Mukund B. said "Usually don't write reviews but wanted to for this one especially because I don't understand why it's rated so low. Ordered in and everything was great, Kerala Chicken curry and the Goat curry were delicious! Def going to try other…" read more

Amenities and More

Powered by Health Department Intelligence

16 More Attributes

About the Business

Satisfy your cravings for authentic cooking! We deliver a menu full of traditional favorites right to your door. …

Ask the Community

Ask a question

Yelp users haven’t asked any questions yet about The Guilt Trip Express .

Recommended Reviews

• 1 star rating Not good
• 2 star rating Could’ve been better
• 3 star rating OK
• 4 star rating Good
• 5 star rating Great

Select your rating

Overall rating

A FULL step or 2 steps above most offerings in the city. I can't tell you when last I was this impressed. The Chicken Tikka and Paneer Tikka were absolutely bursting with ultra-fresh flavors, it was actually startling. The #1 thing to try is the Paharganj Ke Chole Bhature - That Bhature bread... if you miss that, you're missing OUT! It's perfectly fried and soft and works like a pita for delicious curry and I can't believe I liked it so much. DO IT! The most popular thing on the menu for a reason, it seems. I didn't realize Guilt Trip had a new seattle location, I am PUMPED! PS: They could use an update to their meal descriptions/ordering interface, it makes it unclear whether the sides they mention are included, or if you have to pay to get them (for example the meal says it has a naan, but then they ask if you want 'a naan' for $5... what they mean is an EXTRA naan is $5, that needs to be clearer. Do order an extra though, they are petite. SO GOOD! TRY EVERYTHING! I ordered. May 18, 2024, 5:01PM and it was amazeballs, so glad that there's some excellent Indian grub I know of here, now. Ordered on theguilttriprestaurant daut cawm I think is what another reviews site said the restaurant prefers. Support local business! best got dang food I've had all year tbph ORCHIDS in salad? swoonsville...

1 other review that is not currently recommended

You Might Also Consider

0.4 miles away from The Guilt Trip Express

Sunny L. said "The food and ambiance are three-star for me. I wouldn't go here again, unless i am passing by and hungry. But the reason for upping one star is that i saw how warm-hearted the staff was. When the homeless person came in, they gave…" read more

in Mediterranean, Halal, Middle Eastern

Angie S. said "New customer, great initial experience. A few things set them apart from other services I've tried: - Food has arrived fresh and well-packaged and reasonable portion sizes. - The salad dressings, soup are well-seasoned which is…" read more

in Food Delivery Services

People Also Viewed

The Roll Pod

Café Zum Zum

Food Junction

Farvahar Persian Cafe

Eastlake Specialty Market

Lassi & Spice

FaveKitchens

Chutneys Bistro

Ammi’s Pakwan

Best of Seattle

Things to do in Seattle

Other Places Nearby

Find more Food Delivery Services near The Guilt Trip Express

Find more Halal Restaurants near The Guilt Trip Express

Find more Indian Restaurants near The Guilt Trip Express

Browse Nearby

Things to Do

Mediterranean Food

Butter Chicken

Dining in Seattle

Search for Reservations

Book a Table in Seattle

The Guilt Trip Express is a Yelp advertiser.

• International

May 17, 2024 Israel-Hamas war

By Leinz Vales, Deva Lee, Adrienne Vogt, Aditi Sangal, Tori B. Powell and Chris Lau, CNN

Our live coverage for the day has ended. Follow  the latest Israel-Hamas war news  or read through the updates below.

Israel recovers bodies of 3 hostages. Here's what you should know

From CNN staff

The Israel Defense Forces (IDF)  recovered the bodies of three hostages  in the Gaza Strip, IDF spokesperson Rear Adm. Daniel Hagari said in a news conference in Tel Aviv Friday. 

The hostages were identified as  Shani Louk , Amit Bouskila, and Itshak Gelernter, Hagari said.

Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu expressed grief over the hostages, saying "the heart breaks for the great loss." Louk's family said they have closure now that her body has been recovered.

Here are other headlines you should know:

Developments on the ground

Hamas' military wing Al Qassam Brigades said a commander was killed in an Israeli airstrike in Lebanon's West Bekaa area, near the Syrian border, on Friday.

• Also, the IDF said it carried out an airstrike on "an operations center" in Jenin, in the West Bank, Friday and killed "a significant wanted" militant.

Humanitarian aid

• Trucks carrying humanitarian aid to Gaza began moving ashore Friday via a  temporary pier built by the US  military, according to a statement from US Central Command (CENTCOM). The pier was anchored to a beach in Gaza on Thursday and will be used to funnel aid from various countries into the besieged strip, with most border crossings to the enclave closed and a catastrophic humanitarian disaster unfolding inside.

Official meetings

• US President Joe Biden’s national security adviser Jake Sullivan will travel to Saudi Arabia and Israel over the weekend, according to a US official, as  ceasefire and hostage negotiations have stalled  and Israel continues to threaten to intensify its military operations in Rafah. He will meet Saudi Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman and Israel's Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu in their respective countries, according to National Security Council spokesman John Kirby.

Calls from the United Nations

• A panel of UN experts said Friday that the UN Relief and Works Agency for Palestine Refugees in the Near East (UNRWA) was “politically targeted” as it voiced disappointment over some countries not reinstating their funding weeks after an  independent review  cleared the agency.

Doctors leaving Gaza

• Seventeen of the 20 American doctors who were stuck in Gaza after Israel shut the border crossing from Rafah to Egypt have safely departed  the enclave, Kirby said Friday.
• Aid organizations will face challenges getting doctors back into Gaza following the departure of the American doctors, according to sources familiar with the efforts to help the doctors escape.

The wife of a doctor describes her husband's "survivor's guilt" after deciding to leave Gaza

From CNN's Betsy Klein

Dr. Mahmoud Sabha was among the American doctors  who were evacuated after being trapped in Gaza this week after Israel's military offensive in Rafah shuttered a critical border crossing where they were planning to exit.  

Sabha, 39, a Dallas-based doctor who specializes in wound care, was on his second humanitarian trip to Gaza that was supposed to end last Monday. 

His wife, Dr. Samaiya Mushtaq, learned his plans to leave were on hold last Friday afternoon in a voicemail. 

"He said we're not leaving on Monday and I remember listening to it and just responding, 'No - no, no, no,'" she told CNN in a phone interview. 

She described an intensely emotional week amid the uncertainty: "I didn't think this would be morally or legally allowed." 

Three of the American doctors stayed behind on Friday as 17 were able to evacuate. 

Early Friday morning, her husband contacted her to say there was the possibility of an evacuation. He called again when he had reached the border and was in Jerusalem Friday evening eastern time. 

"It's been emotionally complex because there's a lot of guilt," she said of her husband's decision to leave.  "The survivors' guilt is much more pronounced because there's no mission coming after him," she said. 

Still, she said, "I think he'd go back. I think the call to help this incredibly vulnerable population is a humanitarian call. He would go back if there were an opportunity to rebuild the hospital systems." 

IDF says it killed "significant wanted" militant in West Bank

From CNN's Kareem Khadder, Eyad Kourdi and Mohammed Tawfeeq

The Israel Defense Forces (IDF) said they carried out an airstrike on "an operations center" in Jenin, in the West Bank, on Friday and killed "a significant wanted" militant.

The IDF said in a statement that militant Islam Khamaysa was a senior operative in the Jenin Camp, responsible for numerous attacks in the area.

Al Quds Brigade, the military wing of Islamic Jihad, confirmed the killing of Islam Khamaysa in a statement on Friday, saying he was a leader of the Jenin Brigade.

The Jenin Brigade is a faction affiliated with the wider Islamic Jihad group.

The Palestinian Ministry of Health said eight people were also injured in the airstrike and evacuated to two separate hospitals in the West Bank.

Family of hostage Shani Louk says recovery of her body gives them closure

From CNN's Eliza Talmadge 

The family of Israeli hostage Shani Louk , whose body Israel announced on Friday was recovered from Gaza , said they have closure now that her body has been recovered.

In a statement given to CNN, the family said the Israel Defense Forces (IDF) came to their house on Friday and informed them that they were able to rescue Louk's body from a tunnel in Gaza and bring her back to Israel.

"Every news like this brings us back to the horrific moment we had to find out that our loving daughter was brutally murdered by Hamas on the 7th of October. However, it is also a relief to get the body back and we are now able to bury her close by. It gives us some kind of closure," the family said. "We want to remember Shani as the beautiful and peace-loving person she was, who loved music, dancing and life. She brought us and many other people in the world light and the belief in good. This is how we choose to remember Shani," the statement read.

It will be a challenge to backfill the 17 American doctors who departed Gaza, sources say

From CNN's Kylie Atwood

Aid organizations will face challenges getting doctors back into Gaza following the departure of 17 of the 20 American doctors who were stuck there  after Israel shut the border crossing from Rafah to Egypt.

Sources familiar with the efforts to help the American doctors escape said that backfilling them remains a major concern, largely because the Rafah crossing remains closed after the Israeli military seized it early last week.

Remember: The crossing – when it was operating — was the only entry and exit point for foreign aid workers. Israeli and Egyptian officials have so far failed to reach an agreement on reopening it.

One of the doctors who decided to stay behind is Dr. Adam Hamawy, who helped save Sen. Tammy Duckworth’s life 20 years ago in Iraq, according to a source familiar with the matter. Hamawy traveled to Gaza with the Palestinian American Medical Association and did not feel right leaving without other doctors coming in to take over, the source said. 

Many members of Congress, including Duckworth, are working with the Biden administration to push Israel to do more to get aid and humanitarian workers into Gaza, and to get the protections needed for those workers. Earlier this week, a top USAID official said that Israel was not doing enough to ensure the safety of aid works.

"The deconfliction measures are not where they need to be yet, given the complexity of the environment. So those conversations are ongoing, they need to continue and they need to get to a place where humanitarian aid workers feel safe and secure and able to operate safely. And I don't think we're there yet,” said Sonali Korde, assistant to the administrator of USAID’s Bureau for Humanitarian Assistance, noting that Gaza is a “very dangerous place to work.”

CNN's Jeremy Diamond and Muhammad Darwish contributed to this story.

Hamas' military wing says commander killed in Israeli airstrike in Lebanon

From CNN's Mohammed Tawfeeq and Eugenia Yosef

Sharhabil Ali Al-Sayyid, also known as "Abu Amr" was killed "after he was targeted by Israeli occupation aircraft," Hamas' military wing Al Qassam Brigades said in a statement.

The Israel Defense Forces ( IDF) confirmed in a statement Friday it killed Al-Sayyid in an airstrike, but described him as "a senior commander of the Jamaa Islamiya" in Lebanon "who cooperated with Hamas against Israel."

The IDF said Al-Sayyid "promoted numerous terror attacks from Lebanon against Israel in the eastern arena recently, as well as in cooperation with Hamas' wing in Lebanon."

17 American doctors who were stuck in Gaza have safely departed, White House says

Seventeen of the 20 American doctors who were stuck in Gaza after Israel shut the border crossing from Rafah to Egypt have safely departed the enclave, said National Security Council spokesman John Kirby on Friday.

“They’re out. There was 20 American doctors, 17 are out now, came out today. And all 17, they wanted to, they wanted to leave — I won't speak for the other three, but just, I can assure you that any of them that wanted to leave are out now,” Kirby said. 

The Americans who made their way out did so with the support of the US Embassy in Jerusalem, said a State Department spokesperson. “We have been in close contact with the groups that these US doctors are part of, and we have been in contact with the families of these US citizens,” the spokesperson added. 

The three American doctors who opted not to depart Gaza did so understanding that the US Embassy may not be able to facilitate their departure in the same manner, the source familiar said. They added that it “was an extremely unique operation.”

The Embassy team traveled to Kerem Shalom crossing to receive the doctors at the border, the source added, without providing details about how the doctors traveled to the border crossing.

Here's where the crossing is located:

UN panel calls for all member states to resume funding UN aid agency for Palestinian refugees

From CNN’s Kareem El Damanhoury and Richard Roth

A panel of UN experts said Friday that the UN Relief and Works Agency for Palestine Refugees in the Near East (UNRWA) was “politically targeted” as it voiced disappointment over some countries not reinstating their funding weeks after an independent review cleared the agency.

“The independent review ordered by the UN Secretary-General, following an increase of allegations since the onset of the military assault on Gaza in October 2023, has shown that the claim that significant numbers of UNRWA employees have ties with ‘terrorist organisations’ remains unsubstantiated,” the experts said in a  statement  on Friday.

Earlier this year, Israel accused at least 12 UNRWA staffers of being involved in Hamas' October 7 attacks and has alleged that about 12% of the agency's 13,000 staffers are members of Hamas or other Palestinian militant groups. Last month, the independent review found that UNRWA’s neutrality must be strengthened and that its facilities were sometimes misused, but noted that Israel did not provide supporting evidence for its allegations.

“UNRWA remains pivotal in providing life-saving humanitarian aid and essential social services, particularly in health and education, to Palestinian refugees in Gaza, Jordan, Lebanon, Syria and the West Bank,” the review said, adding that the agency is "irreplaceable and indispensable to Palestinians’ human and economic development.”

As of April 30, funding to UNRWA from nine states was still frozen, according to a UN  statement .

With previous reporting from CNN’s Tim Lister

Please enable JavaScript for a better experience.

I witnessed a cultural chasm in Morocco and returned grateful to be American | John Gurda

I flew home from aamar’s country with a fresh appreciation for my own, feeling proud, humbled and, above all, grateful to be an american..

It took our Land Rover half-an hour to reach him. We left the paved road in a dusty frontier town and plunged into the Sahara, following a barely visible track on the windward side of a massive dune. After a kidney-pounding ride at 30 miles an hour, we finally pulled up to an adobe hut the same color as the surrounding desert. Aamar was waiting for us. We were about to meet a Moroccan shepherd whose roots in the sand extended to antiquity.

My wife and I were in Morocco on a spring trip with Overseas Adventure Travel , or OAT, an acronym also said to stand for Older Americans Traveling. Our group fit the profile: 14 Americans with homes scattered from San Diego to Brooklyn, all of us in our seventies or nearby. Sonja and I had chosen Morocco because it’s an Islamic nation with Western sympathies, making it an attractive blend of exotic and accessible. As we discovered, it’s also a beautiful country: green in the north, brown in the south, with snow-capped mountains in between and roughly 2,000 miles of coastline on both the Atlantic and the Mediterranean.

We saw plenty of sights, but one of OAT’s strengths is its emphasis on local culture. Through our guide, Abdou Akkrouch, a Moroccan with half our years and twice our energy, we had noteworthy encounters with at least 20 of his fellow citizens, some prearranged and others completely spontaneous. Aamar was one of the regular OAT hosts. Seventy-eight years old and widowed, he was the head of a small household that included his son Hamad, 39, daughter-in-law Fatim Zahra, 28, and their three young children, Mohmed, Khadija, and Brahim.

Host family belongs to nomadic Berber tribes in Morocco

The family belonged to a long line of Berber tribes who lived in Morocco ages before the Arabs brought Islam from the East. Although their tradition was nomadic, Aamar had decided to settle down after his wife’s death 12 years earlier; he and Hamad stacked up their bricks on a wind-scoured plateau overlooking the open desert. Why build there? “Because no one told me I couldn’t,” he replied through Abdou.

More: Retired judge was tireless, stubborn, loyal, and a true Milwaukee original | John Gurda

The family’s wealth was centered in its animals: two camels, a small herd of goats, and a few chickens, all used in some combination for meat, milk, eggs, wool, and transportation. Animal husbandry was not just generational for Aamar but millennial. Those shepherds that Jesus mentioned in his parables? These were the same people, 2,000 years later and 3,000 miles west.

The family’s living quarters were as simple as their way of life was ancient. A five-foot wall of baked mud, high enough to keep out the animals, enclosed three rooms and a small courtyard that was hung with wash when we visited. The yard’s centerpiece was a makeshift loom on which Fatim Zahra wove small Berber rugs for occasional sale.

On a nearby rafter she had hung sausages of goat intestines stuffed with goat hearts, liver, tongue, and assorted other body parts. It was in this cramped compound that the family weathered the frosts of winter, the blowtorch heat of Sahara summers, and regular blizzards of blowing sand. There were a few concessions to modernity — a single solar panel for power, a small propane stove for cooking, and a motorbike for getting around — but in its basic configuration the scene was Biblical.

After a brief tour of their living space, Aamar led us to a long, open-sided tent made with multiple panels of camel wool, each of which had taken Fatim Zahra a month to weave. After she demonstrated how she carded camel hair and spun it into yarn with her fingers, she and Hamad served us mint tea, the liquid medium of Moroccan hospitality wherever we went.

We begin an uneasy conversation where cultural chasm grows

Then the conversation started. We learned, with Abdou as our interpreter, that Aamar had arranged the marriage of his son and daughter-in-law, and that their children had never attended school. (As we talked, Mohmed and Khadija walked barefoot across the stony hardpan to wave to a passing Land Rover.) It occurred to us later that there were no books in the home because no one could read. Toothbrushes were just as scarce. The nearest well was nearly two miles away, and the family lived without running water or anything resembling a Western toilet.

The gap between their lives and ours grew wider and more uncomfortable the longer we talked. Aamar and his family were rooted like palm trees in a place with fewer material comforts than the most basic American campground. Everything the family owned, minus their camels, could fit in a space no larger than my living room. Everyone in the OAT group, by contrast, owned houses, cars, computers, roomfuls of furniture, closets filled with clothes, and appliances galore, not to mention investment portfolios. We were, comparatively speaking, as rich as sultans.

So there we sat, perched on opposite sides of a cultural chasm, the simplicity of their lives incomprehensible to us, our affluence unimaginable to them. I, for one, began to feel like a well-heeled voyeur. This was, after all, a vacation we were on, not an errand of mercy. We were building no houses and we brought no medicine, just a box of groceries and a little cash. At breakfast a few of us had commented on the dryness of our pastries and the hardness of our beds. Those complaints now seemed like the whining of spoiled children.

Not that radical inequality is unknown in Morocco. The nation’s per capita income is less than $400 a month, and King Muhammad VI owns 23 palaces of various vintages and burns through a million dollars a day in living expenses. But that contrast seemed academic in comparison with the vivid human tableau in which we found ourselves immersed.

A cultural exchange led to uncomfortable questions for this American

My mind began to churn with questions I couldn’t ask out loud. That fixed expression on Aamar’s face — was it dignity or stolidity? Did he delight in the freedom of the desert and the crystalline darkness of the night sky, or was he rooted there out of ancient habit? Unlike so many rural Moroccans, neither he nor his son had decamped for low-wage jobs in Europe or taken their chances in the shantytowns of Casablanca, but how much of that stability was a conscious decision and how much simply inertia?

Unless I learned their language and shared their lives, I would never have clear answers to those questions, which left me to ponder my own American reflection in the mirror of these desert-dwellers’ lives. What need possessed us, I wondered, to possess so much stuff? What were we losing in our helpless, headlong pursuit of material wealth? When do the artifacts of our civilization cease to be supports and instead become encumbrances?

Milwaukee needs the connection. Real estate boom is no reason to tear down I-794.

And what did Aamar and his family make of us, these oddly dressed, pale-skinned visitors who had descended on their desert home like well-meaning locusts? I lacked the presence of mind to ask the question, but Abdou later supplied what he thought would be their answer. Moroccans love the United States, despite our bloated lifestyles —or perhaps even because of them. They watch our movies, wear our T-shirts and, more and more each year, speak our language. Time after time in our travels, we met young people, in particular, whose heart’s desire was to see our side of the ocean, either as visitors or as workers. Moroccans line up for the precious few visas our embassy doles out annually, and winning one is equivalent to winning the lottery. Without any effort on our part, without even making a decision, all of us were lottery winners by the simple fact of our birth.

We travel to learn about the world. Sometimes, if we’re lucky, we end up learning more about ourselves. Coming home to snow (in March), returning to a place that is unmistakably northern, I had a day or two of cultural clarity before the walls of my accustomed life closed in around me. In that brief period of insight, I could see America as others see us: a fractious, rollicking capitalist carnival that is the envy of the world.

The bonds of our union are strained today, and too many Americans have either too little or too much. But we pledge a common allegiance to a homeland that millions would gladly trade for theirs. Safely returned to my comparative palace in Bay View, I look back on Aamar’s desert dwelling with neither guilt nor condescension but with respect for our differences. I brought back colorful memories and a few souvenirs from Morocco, but that’s not all. I flew home from Aamar’s country with a fresh appreciation for my own, feeling proud, humbled and, above all, grateful to be an American.

Reach Milwaukee writer and historian John Gurda at  [email protected]