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The guilt trip: film review.

Barbra Streisand and Seth Rogen star in a mother-son road-trip comedy from director Anne Fletcher ("The Proposal").

By Todd McCarthy

Todd McCarthy

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The Guilt Trip Streisand Cheering - H 2012

Yentl goes yenta in The Guilt Trip , a creakily old-fashioned comedy that forgot to pack the laughs along with the nudging and kvetching. Possibly the first American film in decades in which characters drive cross-country courtesy of process shots out the back window, this mother-son yakfest blows a gasket and all four tires before it even hits the road. With Seth Rogen in very subdued mode, his fans will smell this one a mile away; it might be a movie only their mothers — or die-hard Barbra Streisand fans — could love.

When was the last time an overbearing Jewish mother giving her schlemiel of a son a hard time about not being married was a major component of a big Hollywood film? This sort of routine used to pop up all the time in American comedy but pretty much has vanished in the rearview mirror since the heyday of Ruth Gordon . So to behold Streisand’s New York mom Joyce Brewster hectoring her homely visiting son Andrew (Rogen) about his myriad personal shortcomings is to revisit a musty mind-set that the minor updates in Dan Fogelman ‘s woeful script can’t begin to freshen up.

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VIDEO: ‘The Guilt Trip’ Trailer: Barbra Streisand Drives Seth Rogen Crazy

The early scenes of Andrew’s return from California to his childhood home are so embarrassing that you wonder if such impressive consistency can possibly be sustained. Andrew knows what he’s in for, but that still doesn’t help when Mom immediately starts in asking what happened to former girlfriends X, Y and Z, complaining that he went to UCLA just to get as far away from her as possible, pointing out that she hasn’t had a date since her husband’s long-ago death and then recommending that Andrew get therapy. Enough, already.

In an effort to connect with Andrew, Joyce unloads what she considers a bombshell of a secret: She actually had a boyfriend before she met her husband and loved him so much she named her only son after him. Considering it odd she never tried to look him up after his dad died, Andrew does research that reveals he’s an executive in San Francisco. With an ulterior motive in mind, he invites Mom to join him on a drive across the country, during which he’ll make stops in Virginia, Texas, Santa Fe and Las Vegas to hawk a nontoxic cleansing liquid product he has created to potential retailers.

These pitch sessions are desultory affairs — a salesman Andrew is not — and Joyce doesn’t help matters by hovering and carrying on in ways that scarcely help her son’s cause. To save a few bucks, she insists they rent a compact rather than an SUV, forcing them to share very close quarters as they listen to Jeffrey Eugenides ’ gender-bending Middlesex on CD. The way Joyce gets excited about gift shops and free continental breakfasts at motels (where she insists they stay in one room to save more money), you’d think she’d never been out of New York before.

In terms of viewer relief from the constant haranguing, getting on the road held out the hope of changing scenery and a possible parade of lively supporting roles. Instead, we get process shots of the two leads crammed into the tiny car intercut with second unit coverage of highways and the countryside. They do get out of the car to look at the Grand Canyon, but after about five seconds, they decide they’ve seen enough and move on to Vegas, which Joyce actually likes.

The one stop that at least yields something different is at a Texas steakhouse, where anyone who can eat a 4 1/2-pound steak and all the trimmings in one hour gets it for free. Uncharacteristically, Joyce volunteers, launching a gorge-fest that at least presents the half-amusing spectacle of Streisand pigging out and wins Joyce an admirer in the form of a handsome older gent (the indisputably handsome Brett Cullen ) who’d like to have her come up and see him sometime.

The climactic visit to San Francisco to track down Joyce’s former beau predictably plays on, and aims to stimulate, bittersweet emotions. At the same time, the easy-to-get point of the enterprise is to stress that the mother and son’s prolonged time together has forced them to break through their various barriers, grudges and expectations to arrive at a more honest satisfying relationship. Yep, that’ll do the trick every time.

CONCERT REVIEW: Barbra Streisand in Brooklyn

The Guilt Trip  provides heavy competition with director Anne Fletcher ‘s previous films ( Step Up , 27 Dresses , The Proposal ) as to which is the most formulaic and conventional, but this one takes the cake for being the most visually unimaginative and clunky. Worse, even the most easy-to-please audiences will struggle to find more than a half-dozen laughs here, so bereft is the film of fresh comic ideas.

Rogen — who for some reason sports about a one-day’s grizzle of beard throughout — drastically underplays, probably realizing that, with Streisand emoting so broadly, it was the only way to go. For her part, some combination of cosmetic expertise, cinematic enhancement and natural endowment makes Streisand look more like she’s in her 50s than in her 70s, which is the actuality. Those who’ve always liked the singer-actress probably won’t mind her here; for the nonfan, this is not the film that will change your mind.

A retinue of terrific character actors could have greatly enlivened the proceedings, but Fogelman ( Cars , Bolt , Tangled , Crazy, Stupid, Love ) didn’t write the parts for them.

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The Guilt Trip : The Return of the Funny Lady

Streisand hits the road with Seth Rogen in a charming holiday movie about mothers and sons

When Joyce Brewster ( Barbra Streisand ) and her son Andy (Seth Rogen) set off on an East-West cross country road trip—he to shill the awkwardly named all-natural cleaning product he invented, she to fuss over his dietary and sartorial needs—the first thing she does is put a book on tape in the car’s player. A melodious male voice fills the car (“I was born twice: first, as a baby girl, on a remarkably smogless Detroit day in January of 1960; and then again, as a teenage boy in an emergency room near Petoskey, Michigan , in August of 1974.”) It’s Jeffrey Eugenides’ Middlesex . Andy’s eyes opened wide in surprise and so did mine; I would have taken Joyce for more of an Anita Shreve type.

The Guilt Trip is not what I expected either. Directed by Anne Fletcher ( The Proposal ) from a screenplay by Dan Fogelman, it deals in stereotypes—overbearing Jewish mother, nebbishy son steadily mortified by her—but without the broad, frenetic, desperate comedy of say, Streisand’s most recent ventures into cinema, the lame Meet the Fockers and the truly horrible Little Fockers . It’s a mainstream film but these stock characters are humanized and given a low key, refreshingly reasonable mission: to know and respect each other a little better. Charming and thoughtful,  The Guilt Trip is essentially a two-person play, acted by two performers who hail from different worlds—Rogen from pothead humor central, she from diva city—yet who have natural, relaxed chemistry together. They could be related. I’m not sure if Rogen’s  Pineapple Express  fan base will rush to see it, but if they do, I bet they call their mothers afterward. Regardless, for Streisand, who turned 70 this year and hasn’t taken a lead role in a film since 1996’s The Mirror Has Two Faces , The Guilt Trip is a smart venture back into theaters.

( READ: About Joel Stein’s (short) road trip with Barbra Streisand )

The Guilt Trip  works because we all know and like a Joyce Brewster (or dozens of them). Joyce has a big personality but she’s not a cartoon; if anyone is going to make jokes about Jewish mothers, it will be her. She is an outspoken, self-aware woman of a certain age who has discovered the miraculous comfort of track suits. She uses something called a purse hook, which hangs off tables, thereby preventing her purse from touching any dirty floors. She spends a lot of time at The Gap. Her community of friends is built around Weight Watchers. But mostly, she lives for her son—3,000 miles away in Los Angeles but still her focus.

Which is obviously problematic. Andy’s dad died when he was 8, and Joyce hasn’t dated since then. She tells her son she has grown used to the pleasures of solitude. (In the opening scene of the film, Streisand wakes in her rumpled bed, rolls over on one of the previous night’s peanut M&Ms and eats it. It’s a funny little thrill seeing Streisand, this consummate protector of her own image, doing something so very common woman. I felt like I was glimpsing the Pope cleaning his cat’s litter box.) At a meeting of the Montclair Mature Singles Club, Joyce can be overheard saying impatiently—to a perfectly pleasant looking gentleman—“No I don’t hike ! Try the skinny one in the corner.”

( SEE: LIFE photos of the young Barbra Streisand )

Mother and son have no plans to travel together initially. Andy comes East to meet with Kmart representatives, to see if they’ll place an order for Scieoclean, the nontoxic cleaner he dreamed up while working for the EPA. But he’s too self-conscious to make a good salesman, unlike his mother, who can talk to anyone. He’d never dream of asking her to help him on the road (he’s got stops planned at major corporations all across the country). But he gets the idea to bring her along after she tells him about the guy who got away just before she married his dad, the man she would have happily married if he’d asked, whose name she actually passed on to him, her only child. Touched, Andy does something his mother has never done; searches for the man online. Fogelman, who also wrote  Crazy, Stupid, Love and Cars,  makes a point of how easy this is in our hyper-connected society—it only takes Andy one phone call to find out Joyce’s other Andy lives in San Francisco. Without telling her why, he asks Joyce to join him on the trip.

They have a few adventures along the way, some predictable embarrassment at a strip club and a scene where Joyce takes on a restaurant’s challenge of eating a 50 oz. steak to get her meal for free. “That’s like eating a poodle,” Rogen says, his level, quiet delivery just right. But it’s all pretty mild stuff. That’s because Fogelman’s screenplay—which was inspired by a road trip he took with his mother, who the film is dedicated to—isn’t aimed at raucous laughs. The movie is funny, but it’s main goal is to get mother and son to reconsider each other as individuals. For Joyce, that means letting go of her little boy with potential (“Remember how good you were in Man of La Mancha ?”) and seeing who he is now. For Andy, the challenge is bigger; he’s supposed to be in his late 20s (Rogen himself turned 30 this year), but he’s got a case of arrested development and is nearly as embarrassed by his mother as a teenager might be. Here’s the realism of The Guilt Trip —he has no compunction about letting her know that. The movie’s success is completely dependent on their eventual showdown, which I won’t spoil, except to say that Streisand kills it, with dignity. The  funny lady is back. If she wants to be. With Streisand, you never know when she might decide to direct, have another comeback tour, take a part in a movie. Or just stay home.

READ: About what Streisand has planned to do next READ: TIME’s Richard Corliss on Seth Rogen in Green Hornet

The Guilt Trip

It’s a testament to Barbra Streisand’s newfound humility that in the family road comedy The Guilt Trip , she allows herself to be cast as the endearingly irritating mother of a geeky, middle-aged Jewish man, instead of his slightly older but still alluring girlfriend. Though intermittently bathed in a halo of golden light and desired by at least one handsome, distinguished older man with a thing for mature women with healthy appetites, Streisand in The Guilt Trip is largely devoid of her famous vanity and narcissism. Her performance captures how parents are often annoying to their grown progeny because of their good intentions, not in spite of them: If they didn’t want the best for the children they so selflessly raised, they wouldn’t be such goddamned persistent pests.

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Rogen, who co-executive-produced with Streisand, stars as a struggling scientist and inventor who heads out on the road with his long-widowed mother, trying to sell a poorly packaged and named natural cleaning product of his own design to chain stores and home-shopping networks. Rogen has an ulterior motive for taking Streisand on the trip: He wants to play matchmaker between his mother, who has been single since Rogen’s father died, and her first love, whom she lost contact with ages ago, but still thinks about.

The Guilt Trip is casually astute and clever about the way even sane, responsible adults revert back to being prickly children when confronted with the gale-force wind of a parent’s intense, misguided attention. But while Streisand and Rogen’s relationship is smartly, affectionately drawn, just about every other element of the movie feels perfunctory, from the hooey about Streisand’s lost love to the flat, uninspired direction of 27 Dresses / The Proposal helmer Anne Fletcher. The film’s end credits feature Rogen and Streisand riffing off each other in ostensibly improvised outtakes that are far funnier and livelier than anything in the movie, hinting at the better comedy that might have ensued had the filmmakers trusted their leads’ chemistry and chops more, rather than watering them down with schmaltz and shtick, wacky eating contests, contrived plotting, and a horribly hokey happy ending.

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Review: ‘The Guilt Trip’ An Underdeveloped, Clichéd Road Trip Comedy Without Much Gas

Drew taylor.

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There are at least two movies opening this holiday season which seem like they were stolen from the script vault at Touchstone Pictures , circa 1992. The first, “ Parental Guidance ,” features the heavyweight one-two punch of Billy Crystal and Bette Midler , concerns grandparents outwitted by their grandkids, and could play snugly in a double feature alongside “ Father of the Bride Part II .” And opening this week is “ The Guilt Trip ,” another movie that tries to wring guffaws out of a similarly super-tired idea (taking a cross-country road trip with your unbelievably stereotypical and annoying Jewish mother). Sure, the mother is played by Barbra Streisand and that does (admittedly) add some sizzle, but it can’t compensate for how sitcom-y and dated the whole thing is and how, honestly, the movie probably plays better at 1 AM on TBS. Including the commercials.

The outrageously simple set-up follows: Seth Rogen plays Andy Brewster, a scientist and amateur inventor who has developed a new, totally organic cleaning product. He flies out to New Jersey to spend some time with said Jewish mother Joyce (Streisand), before renting a car and hitting a series of appointments across the country. The night before he’s set to leave, his mother tells him a heartbreaking story about the man she loved before his father (who died when Andy was a boy). Andy, curious, uses Bing (which for some reason has become a hot product-placement search engine of late) and sees that this man is still alive and in San Francisco, and promptly adds another stop onto his trip and invites his mother to accompany him.    

As far as comedy conceits go, sure, it’s not exactly original, but it’s a concept that could probably hold some promise. The script was written by Dan Fogelman , who, after “ Crazy Stupid Love ” and “ Tangled ,” has become one of Hollywood’s hottest screenwriters, and the film was directed by Anne Fletcher , the choreographer-turned-director who did “ Step Up ” and “ The Proposal .” Under the right circumstances it could be something like a tamer, middle-aged-friendly version of a Todd Phillips road comedy, with mother and son getting into a series of wacky misadventures and begrudgingly learning about each other along the way. Maybe, in a “ Brave “-inspired twist, Babs could get turned into a bear. Now that’d be some solid holiday entertainment.  

Instead, “The Guilt Trip” goes down the path most traveled, indulging in a series of well-worn clichés and devoting a minimal amount of time to character development or actual conflict. The middle section of the movie is an endless series of scenes where Seth Rogen rolls his eyes at the outrageousness of his mother and Streisand babbles endlessly, trying desperately to make the wafer-thin script into something (anything) more. But not even the Herculean efforts of a talented warhorse like Streisand can save this thing.

It’s a shame, too, because “The Guilt Trip” isn’t wholly regrettable – there’s a pretty funny running joke about how the two of them are listening to an audio book of “ Middlesex ,” which is both painfully inappropriate and excruciatingly long, and a moment when Streisand comes out of a convenience store and accidently steps into a similarly-colored car is both hilarious and very true to life. But mostly it’s a dull, lifeless missed opportunity.

The road trip format lends itself to some picaresque flourishes, not to mention an opportunity to highlight all the crazy characters and situations you can encounter along the road. But “The Guilt Trip” avoids this almost completely. They stop briefly at Andy’s ex-girlfriend’s house ( Yvonne Strahovski ), where she lives happily with her husband ( Colin Hanks ). In another sequence, they stop off at a honky tonk steak bar and Joyce agrees to take part in a challenge to devour a giant slab of meat. This is sort of a funny idea but we’re not sure why she’s doing it, exactly, because if she eats it all she doesn’t have to pay, but Andy still has to pay for his meal (maybe they both eat for free?) Towards the end of the film Joyce remarks that she had a wonderful time because she ate a really big steak and got her ears pierced. It’s astounding to think that the filmmakers went out of their way to point out just how little actually happens in the movie.

This oversight is even more baffling considering the supporting cast who sometimes just appear for a single line of dialogue. In addition to Strahovski and Hanks, Casey Wilson , Ari Graynor , Adam Scott , Kathy Najimy and Nora Dunn all show up, fleetingly, and are just as quickly forgotten about. It’s mind-boggling, but it plays into how underdeveloped the film is. Andy clearly has some issues with failure, and his cleaning product endeavor isn’t exactly taking off (he bombs every pitch meeting), but this is only given superficial consideration. If more personal details were known about him, then it would add considerable investment in this old Jewish lady version of “ The Odyssey .” (Also, we never see what makes his wonder-product so amazing.)    

Overall, there is a fundamental lack of excitement or energy; it’s a 95-minute movie that feels twice as long as “ The Hobbit .” Fletcher doesn’t direct as much as she just happens to there as Streisand and Rogen bicker inside a fake car; her direction could be charitably be described as lethargic. There is a shocking lack of chemistry between the two leads, even though this is Streisand’s big comeback (she hasn’t been the lead in a film since 1996’s Oscar-nominated “ The Mirror Has Two Faces “), and undoubtedly, when Streisand is good, she reaches nearly stratospheric levels of wonder. Here, though, her face surgically smoothed and forced to play a dopey, predictable, underwritten role, she flounders. It makes her supporting performances in the “ Meet the Parents ” sequels seem downright dignified in comparison. And that’s really saying something. [C-]

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Warning Signs Of A Guilt Trip

A “guilt trip” may be an attempt by someone to cause another person to feel guilty for something that may not be their responsibility. Guilt tripping may be a form of coercion or psychological manipulation, or it may be self-inflicted. While there are methods to overcome and resist guilt trips, you might want to have a complete understanding of all that a guilt trip entails in order to avoid them.

What are guilt trips? 

People who attempt to cause guilt in others through guilt trips may do so out of an urge to get revenge, cause an emotional response, or remove responsibility from themselves for an action or behavior. 

A guilt trip is often unhealthy and unreasonable. Anyone may be on the receiving end of a guilt trip . If you wonder if you have been guilt tripped, there are several warning signs to look out for. An awareness of the signals might help you set, and keep, healthy boundaries. 

Signs you are experiencing a guilt trip 

Dealing with people who use guilt-tripping tactics honestly requires understanding their intentions to make someone else feel responsible for a complaint or behavior. These tactics can include nagging, refusing to let up on the subject, or blaming the victim outright. A study of these behaviors reveals that they often cause emotional distress, making it easier for the manipulator to gain control over the situation. Thanks to increased awareness, it's possible to recognize and avoid such scenarios.

One example of a guilt trip includes someone visiting a new city and being approached by an individual trying to sell wares. They might tell you no one wants their product and that you’re the only one who can help them while refusing any attempts you make to set a boundary. Or they may physically put their product in your hands and tell you that you must buy it now that it was touched. This behavior is an example of a guilt trip being used to induce a response. 

Guilt-tripping behaviors may include isolation, silent treatments, or explicit antagonism. The behavior often upsets the target enough that the individual may gain control over the situation. Individuals employing this tactic may bring up past occasions to stir feelings of guilt. They could make statements like, “look how much I did for you;” “if it weren’t for me, where would you be?;” and “remember when I was there for you.” 

You might feel tempted to support them to pay them back for previous support, or to get them to stop asking. On the surface, it could appear that the individual is being reasonable. However, they may not be. A person who supports you with pure intentions is not likely to later bribe/threaten you with that occurrence for personal gain. 

When do guilt trips happen? 

Those who are the target of  guilt trips may be families, close friends, or partners. An attachment with someone may cause them to feel they can manipulate you. The target of the manipulative individual may catch on and feel conflicted. Guilt could turn into resentment or unease in a relationship, which could cause a subject to want to retaliate or end a relationship. 

Children may experience a guilt trip from their caregivers because they are often defenseless and might not recognize signs of psychological abuse . A parent may ask their children to care for them, ignore mistreatment, or behave in unhealthy ways to reward them for basic needs, such as food, water, or care. Children who are the targets of a guilt trip from parents may grow up struggling with their mental health and avoid their parents. They may suffer from low self-esteem and other emotional issues. 

At times, a guilt trip may be rooted in a desire for attention or reassurance, and it's true that an individual might try to make another person feel guilty if they feel bad about their own actions. Over the course of several weeks, one may observe how these words and actions can transfer blame and responsibility through a guilt trip, even when it's misplaced.

How to avoid guilt trips

Below are a few methods of avoiding a guilt trip from others and setting firm boundaries. 

Maintain high self-esteem 

Vulnerable individuals who suffer from low self-esteem, or difficulty saying “no,” may face guilt trips throughout life. They may doubt themselves and ignore their intuition when an unhealthy behavior occurs. If you feel an intuitive sense that a situation is unhealthy, it might be. Maintain self-esteem by surrounding yourself with healthy individuals, learning to set boundaries, and caring for your mental and physical health daily. 

Stand up for yourself 

If you’re being pushed to feel bad for something you didn’t do, stand up for yourself and tell the individual that what they’re doing is unhealthy and you aren’t going to accept the guilt trip. Tell them “no” if they’re making a request that feels wrong. If they persist, leave the situation when possible.

Distance yourself 

Promptly and permanently ending contact with someone trying to manipulate you may be valuable. If a relationship feels unhealthy, one-sided, or controlling, it might be detrimental to your mental and physical health. In some cases, it may be considered emotional abuse.* 

If you believe you have been the target of a guilt trip or feel you may be in the company of someone who is manipulating you, expert advice tailored to your situation may make a meaningful difference. 

*If you are facing, or witnessing, abuse of any kind, the National Domestic Violence Hotline is available 24/7 for support. Call 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or text “START” to 88788. You can also use the online chat .

Counseling options 

People can find their way to therapy through a number of avenues. You may talk to a doctor about your mental health struggles so they can offer their professional medical advice. Diagnosis or treatments for mental heatlh conditions may be suggested and your doctor may be able to help with those options. They may also refer you to psychiatrist for official diagnosis and to prescribe any medications to help manage symptoms of a mental health condition. You may also receive referrals to a therapist to talk to a professional about your mental health challenges or for help managing difficult situations such as how to handle someone who regularly guilt trips you.

You may also consider online therapy if you’re looking for a discreet and affordable option. With online counseling, you can speak to a counselor through live chat, phone calls, or video calling. 

Either in-person or online therapy can be beneficial, although they are  equally effective . Additionally, studies show that online counseling can be especially effective for those healing from, or experiencing, abuse or unhealthy relationships. If you’re interested in trying an internet-based treatment method, consider a platform such as BetterHelp for individuals or Regain for couples.

Counselor reviews

“Rebecca has helped me talk about very personal things I have pushed aside for years. In doing so, I’ve opened up and have had realizations about past experiences, and lifted guilt off me.”

“Loretta has undoubtedly changed my life. In my late attempt to deal with trauma she has shown me the light at the end of the tunnel. Through various strategies and methods she has provided me, I have become less paranoid, guilt-ridden, and anxious. I am so glad I decided to start using BetterHelp and was paired with Loretta.”

Frequently asked questions (FAQs)

Below are a few frequently asked questions regarding a guilt trip.

What does guilt feel like?  

When you feel guilty, you may feel ashamed, worthless, unkind, or upset. You might obsess over your actions and wonder how you could’ve improved. You may begin to believe that you must make changes to make up for the impacts of your perceived actions. Guilty feelings might make you feel paranoid, sad, alone, or helpless. 

Although a guilt trip may bring on guilt, you might also feel guilty when you have done something against your moral code, hurt someone else, or made a mistake. In these cases, guilt may be a healthy response to help prompt you to consider how to improve your behaviors in the future. 

Why do I feel so guilty?

Feeling guilt can be natural when you have intentionally or accidentally hurt someone. If you have done something wrong, guilt may help guide you to apologize or make up for your actions. 

However, if you feel guilty for something you didn’t do or for the actions of another, you might be experiencing a guilt trip. Ask yourself if you have a responsibility in the situation. If not, why do you feel guilty? Are you trying to take responsibility for another person’s emotions? In these cases, stepping back and deciding what is healthiest might benefit you. 

What are self-inflicted guilt trips?

Self-inflicted guilt may be guilt you force on yourself, even if you did not do something wrong. You might feel better blaming yourself before someone else does. Or, you might believe you should feel guilty for an honest mistake. Often, a self-inflicted guilt trip may occur even if no one is blaming you or trying to make you feel guilty. 

If you find yourself criticizing yourself often and being hard on yourself when you make mistakes, it may be a sign that speaking to a counselor could benefit you. 

What should I do when someone wants me to feel guilty?

If someone wants you to feel guilty, ask yourself if you have done something against your moral code or have hurt someone else intentionally or unintentionally. If you’re struggling to understand your part in a situation, professional guidance or talking to a close friend could help you decide. Accept responsibility if you have done something wrong. However, note that humans may make mistakes, and respect any efforts to do your best throughout the situation. 

Try not to apologize for a situation that was not your fault. If you are being manipulated into buying a product, acting a certain way, or staying in a relationship via a guilt trip, consider setting a boundary and saying “no.” If you struggle to do so, a therapist could help you learn healthy ways to set boundaries with others.

What are the long-term effects of guilt trips?

You might not experience long-term effects, depending on how a guilt trip has impacted you. However, if the guilt trip is constant or severe, you might notice a drop in self-esteem or difficulty trusting others. In some cases, low self-esteem or an unhealthy relationship may cause symptoms of depression or anxiety. 

How can I set boundaries?

Set limits on your time, body, belongings, space, and attention. If someone else is trying to do something that harms you, let them know you do not accept it. You might try these phrases: 

• “Please leave me alone.”
• “I am not interested.”
• “No. I will not repeat myself.” 
• “I can’t have this conversation.” 
• “Let’s talk about something else.”
• “If you continue pushing me, I will end this friendship.” 
• “This behavior is unhealthy, and I will not accept it.” 
• “Please stop.” 

Should I leave someone who is constantly trying to make me feel guilty?

You may choose to leave someone if the relationship does not feel healthy. A constant guilt trip could be unhealthy or emotionally abusive behavior. If you feel judged, pressured, or disrespected in your relationship, it could benefit you to choose to stay or leave. A therapist could be valuable if you want support in deciding what to do. 

How can you deal with guilt?

If you are struggling with guilt, or with a guilt trip, determine whether it is healthy or unhealthy guilt. If it is healthy guilt, appropriate to the situation, do the following:

• Acknowledge what you did wrong
• Sincerely apologize once for your behavior
• Ask the individual how you can make amends 
• Attempt to make amends in a way that is consensual and feels healthy 
• Make appropriate changes to your behavior
• Accept what happened and note what you can do to improve in the future 

Healthy guilt may help you make personal growth. However, unhealthy guilt that is out of proportion to what happened or is undeserved may cause turmoil. Try the following in these cases: 

• Ask yourself where the guilt is coming from (you or someone else)
• Sort out what you are responsible for and what you aren’t
• Recognize you have the right to set limits for yourself 
• Ensure you are not pressuring yourself 
• Set and keep clear boundaries with others
• Practice meditation, mindfulness, deep breathing, or systematic muscle relaxation 

How can a therapist help me with guilt?

A therapist for guilt may offer advice, diagnosis, or treatment, depending on your unique situation. You might discuss the situation that led you to feel guilty. Additionally, your therapist could help you understand if the situation is healthy or if someone else is pressuring you. They might outline a treatment plan to help you move forward.

What is considered guilt-tripping? What is an example of guilt trip? Is guilt-tripping gaslighting? Is a guilt trip toxic? Is a guilt trip a narcissist? Is a guilt trip a form of control?

• Potential Causes Of Feeling Wracked With Guilt Medically reviewed by Julie Dodson , MA
• What Is An Admission Of Guilt? Medically reviewed by Melissa Guarnaccia , LCSW
• Relationships and Relations

What guilt tripping looks like in the real world (+ how to respond to it)

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Guilt trips are spectacularly awful.

They’re one of the most underhanded and harmful ways that people try to manipulate others…

…and sadly enough, they can be very effective.

Fortunately, there’s an easy way to stop them from happening.

Read on to learn how to recognize this form of manipulation, and how to get it to stop.

How to spot a guilt trip.

You’ve undoubtedly been on the receiving end of a guilt trip at some point in your life.

After all, it’s one of the most effective ways to manipulate someone else into doing something, and has been used by parents, partners, co-workers, and friends since the dawn of time.

If anyone has tried to make you do something you don’t want to do (or something they want you to do despite the fact that it makes you uncomfortable) by trying to get you to feel bad, that’s a guilt trip.

In fact, they’ll tap into something they know will upset you or cause anxiety or guilt in an attempt to modify your behavior, or force their will upon you somehow.

Examples can be things like:

“Do it for me. I do so much for you, I don’t think I’m asking too much of you to do this one little thing for me.”

Or, if you attempt to refuse:

“I’ll remember this, so the next time you ask me to do something for you, I’ll just be too busy.”

Yeah, that kind of thing.

They’re often accompanied by deep, gut-wrenching sighs, disappointed glares, and various other passive-aggressive markers until they get what they want.

And then they’ll try to guilt trip you for taking so long to sort it out.

They’re really nasty, multi-layered, and utterly unnecessary.

Sadly, they’re also most often used by those closest to us, which makes them even more despicable.

Why guilt trips are so effective.

Those closest to us are well aware of what hurts us most and makes us afraid.  

For example, most people are quite close to their parents and would feel very sad when they died.

A manipulative elder parent might use guilt to get what they want by saying that if they died suddenly and you didn’t do the thing they wanted, you’ll have to live with that guilt for the rest of your life.

I once knew a single parent who was manipulated into allowing his elderly mother to sleep in his child’s room, despite the fact that it made both him AND his daughter uncomfortable.

Why? Because his mother was old and sickly, and insisted that if they didn’t allow her to do what she wanted, they would be depriving a dying woman of her only real happiness in life, and they’d feel terrible about that after she was gone.

Of course it worked, because despite her manipulative nature, they did love her.

As such, they knew she was winding down toward the end of her life, and wanted to make her last years as comfortable and happy as possible.

And she knew it, and milked it for all it was worth, in every way imaginable.

Whatever the guilt trip – by whomever the perpetrator is – the underlying message will be: “If you don’t agree to do what I want, bad things might happen, and you’ll feel terrible if they do.”

How to stop someone from guilt tripping you.

As you can imagine, it’s quite difficult to stop this kind of cycle from continuing, but it is absolutely possible.

It’s not fun, and in simplest terms, there’s only one person who can intervene when it comes to guilt trips.

Can you guess who it is?

If you’re familiar with the phrase “No one can make you feel inferior without your permission,” you can rest assured that the same goes for guilt tripping:

Guilt trips only work if you allow them to.

Let that sink in for a moment.

You might feel immense resentment toward another person for “making you” feel guilty about something so they can manipulate you into doing what they want…

…but they can’t actually make you do anything against your will.

If you don’t play along and let it affect you, that guilt trip is powerless.

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How to respond to a guilt trip.

The key to solving this issue is very, very simple:

Stop giving a crap. And call them out on theirs.

Seriously. That’s literally ALL it takes.

Recognize their childish, ridiculous behavior for what it is, and don’t allow it to affect you.

In fact, any time they start whinging at you because you won’t do what they want, picture them as the petulant toddlers they’re behaving like. 

Stand your ground , and make it clear to them that their behavior is unacceptable.

You can let them know that you understand that it’s important to them that you do what they want, but that their approach is so off-putting as to ensure that it’s not going to happen.

If they’d like you to do the thing, they need to learn how to ask you with courtesy and respect.

If you really don’t want to do something, say something like:

“I see how important this is to you, but it’s not something I wish to do, so as much as it might upset you, I’m not going to do it. And that is that.”

If it’s simply that their guilt-tripping ways make you want to resist, say something along the lines of:

“Listen, as much as you may want me to do this, the way you are going about it is not going to work. I won’t be guilt tripped into it. Ask me like an adult and I might treat you like one.”

But always…

Be prepared for ugly fallout.

Standing your ground isn’t going to be easy: the person who’s been guilt tripping you isn’t likely to change their ways any time soon.

In fact, they’ll likely go all out and triple their efforts to bring you back into line. 

This can involve anything from the silent treatment to verbal abuse about what a horrible, selfish person you are.

They might even try to poison friends and family members against you , playing the victim and going on about how you neglect them, abuse them, or otherwise refuse to “help” them.

Some may even go so far as to purposely injure themselves just to prove their point.

An example of this might be an older parent throwing themselves down some stairs because you went out on a Friday night and left them alone, instead of staying home to watch TV with them like they wanted you to.

Fortunately, this type of drastic action can be counterbalanced with equal measures.

If, to use the example above, a parent or spouse is self-harming in an attempt to manipulate you, then a trip to the psychiatric ward may be in order.

That may sound extreme, but the possibility of being “locked up” might be just the thing they need to snap them out of this kind of behavior.

A psych evaluation may also be incredibly helpful to them, if it diagnoses a chemical imbalance that can be treated with therapy and/or medication.

Either way, there’s going to be a good outcome. 

Eventually.

Realize that changing habits will take time.

If the person you’re dealing with was raised by guilt-tripping parents and/or grandparents, then they likely learned this type of behavior very early on.

As a result, their actions are going to be pretty ingrained and will need time – and repetition – to change.

If and when they try to lay a guilt trip on you again, stop them and point it out to them.

Sure, they’ll most likely deny it, or turn it around and try to gaslight you and say that you’re interpreting their behavior that way. But don’t let them get away with it.

Make it very clear to them that continuing to approach requests with guilt and manipulation will cause resentment, and distance.

Basically, if they keep it up, they’re going to destroy whatever relationship they have with you. 

Establish the need for them to ask you to do things directly , and to also accept that you may not be able to comply, for any number of reasons.

This could be anything from having other plans already, to really not wanting to do the thing for personal reasons.

And that’s okay.

Sometimes it seems as if many people really don’t understand that others don’t exist just for their benefit, at their convenience!

That doesn’t mean that it’s okay for them to bully or manipulate you into doing what they want, whenever they want it.

Be wary of labels.

Now, there’s another aspect that needs to be considered, and that’s whether you’re perceiving something as a guilt trip when it wasn’t intended as one. 

People are remarkably complex beings, and verbal communication can often miss the mark.

What one person means isn’t necessarily what another perceives.

If someone is hypersensitive to criticism, for example, any offhand remark could be misconstrued as an attack, when it wasn’t intended that way at all.

Similarly, someone may sincerely ask for your help with something in a manner that you interpret as being guilt-trippy, but that wasn’t how they meant it.

This is why clear communication is so vital. 

Try not to get defensive or argumentative , but talk to this person very clearly and explain how their tone is coming across to you.

Sure, dealing with any kind of conflict or confrontation can be uncomfortable, but it’s also the only way to learn one another’s communication styles.

And that leads to far healthier, stronger relationships in the long run.

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About The Author

Catherine Winter is an herbalist, INTJ empath, narcissistic abuse survivor, and PTSD warrior currently based in Quebec's Laurentian mountains. In an informal role as confidant and guide, Catherine has helped countless people work through difficult times in their lives and relationships, including divorce, ageing and death journeys, grief, abuse, and trauma recovery, as they navigate their individual paths towards healing and personal peace.

The High Price of Parental Guilt Trips

How guilt trips sabotage relationships..

Posted September 23, 2020 | Reviewed by Ekua Hagan

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A sitcom is not a sitcom without a nagging mother pressuring her adult children to call or visit home more often. The choreography is always the same, with the mother applying pressure for greater contact through passive aggression , outward hostility, or persistent complaints. And while the trope is tired, exaggerated, and often sexist, guilt does take place in many families. Across cultures, genders, and religions, my clients speak about guilt as a factor that drives their relationships with their parents.

Why does this happen? What leads to cycles of guilt in families that leave both parents and adult children frustrated? Why does this mechanism continue to be used?

The Feelings Behind Guilt

Parents who use guilt to increase contact with adult children may feel fear , love, or anger . They may fear the distance created by their children building their own lives and spending time and energy with others. They may fear becoming less relevant or central in the child's life. They may feel such love for their child that they want to remain close. They may feel angry or indignant that they aren't receiving the attention they believe they deserve.

When a parent does not know how to discuss these feelings openly and take responsibility for them, they may use guilt to coerce their children into closer contact to assuage their own discomfort.

Guilt deployed by a parent can sound like:

• "I feel so lonely when you don’t call me."
• "Your brother calls me every day; why can’t you?"
• "Since you didn’t bother to come over, I cleaned the garage myself."
• "You don’t want to see your mother?"
• "I did everything for you, and you can’t be bothered to visit?"
• "If you move away, I’ll get depressed ."
• "You're leaving already?"

The Short-Term Win, the Long-Term Loss

If the child internalizes the guilt and takes responsibility for their parent's feelings, a guilt trip may successfully bring a child home to visit or call more often. The immediate payoff of guilting a child into closeness may indeed be increased contact.

But make no mistake, the price for that contact is high. An adult child who feels manipulated into contact, who feels compliant rather than excited to show up, may remain emotionally absent. Guilt erodes a relationship and creates resentment.

The child experiencing guilt may respond by:

• Shutting down emotionally
• Lashing out
• Outwardly complying while internally seething
• Finding ways to maintain privacy and a sense of control
• Setting different boundaries

These ways of fighting back against a guilt trip and taking back control may perpetuate the cycle if not done consistently and openly. The parent may notice their child responding angrily or seeming emotionally disconnected, and, panicked at seeing their child pull away, turn to the tool they know works: more guilt. And so the cycle repeats.

Guilt can increase physical closeness or greater communication, but it cannot create true emotional intimacy . In the long-term, guilt leads to greater disconnection.

Moving Beyond Guilt to Healthier Relationships

Even a long-standing use of guilt to drive a relationship can be reversed. Parents and adult children each have a part to play in breaking the cycle.

Adult children can:

• Notice when guilt is used and what feelings arise: If it is frequent or commonly used, this may take some time. This may mean noticing resentment, anger, and sadness.
• Set boundaries: “I’d love to see you, but I can’t come that day.” “I already said no, please do not ask again." “If you continue to use guilt, I’m going to end the phone call.” "I need you to respect when I'm trying to hang up at the end of a phone call."
• Describe the impact: Parents may not realize the impact of their using guilt. Now is the time to speak about feeling more distant from that parent based on their actions.

Parents can:

• Acknowledge past use of guilt: “You know, I think in the past I’ve wanted to see you so badly that I may have used guilt to get you to call more.”
• Clearly communicate wants and needs: “I’d love to find a frequency of communication that works for both of us. How does a weekly phone call sound to you?”
• Accept feedback: This may mean listening to the impact of months or years of using guilt and understanding that it may take time to rebuild the trust that it won’t happen in the future.
• Respect boundaries: If a child says no to a particular outing, respond maturely to their decision.
• Find new ways to connect: Repairing a relationship saddled with guilt may include finding new ways to connect that feel based on mutual connection rather than manipulation.

Both parents and adult children can:

• Practice discussing needs in an open, honest way: “Let’s try a reset. I want our conversations to be good ones.”
• Learn to identify cycles: “I think we’re doing that thing again. I’m trying to say no and you’re trying to get me to do something anyway. Let’s stop and try again.” “Mom, I feel myself shutting down.”
• Compromise (in ways that feel good): “Dad, why don’t you come to visit me in my city this month? I’d love to show you around town.”
• Express appreciation to one another: “I’ve loved talking to you today.” “Thank you for letting me know what works for you.” “It’s ok that you can’t come over this weekend! I understand that you’re busy. Thanks for letting me know and I hope we can have a visit soon.”
• Check in: Breaking any cycle takes time and parents and children may need to check in and see how things are going.

By learning to connect through honest communication, openness , and vulnerability, parent/child relationships can blossom. Guilt trips can make their way into the dustbin of stereotypical relationships and make room for more mutually satisfying ways of relating.

Sarah Epstein, LMFT, is a licensed marriage and family therapist, writer, and consultant seeing therapy clients in TX and Pennsylvania.

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At any moment, someone’s aggravating behavior or our own bad luck can set us off on an emotional spiral that threatens to derail our entire day. Here’s how we can face our triggers with less reactivity so that we can get on with our lives.

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Entitled Mom Ate All The Food They Had Bought For Themselves, And Then Tried To Guilt Trip Them For Calling Her Out

I understand young people getting their food stolen by roommates and siblings, but how are you supposed to react when your own mom is ripping you off?

What the hell?!?!

That’s what this person is dealing with and now they want to know if they went too far with how they reacted.

Read their story and see what you think.

AITA for yelling at my mom because she ate the food that I bought with my money? “Our fridge is usually close to empty. There’s always condiments, eggs and some sort of shredded cheese but that’s it. Usually cream for coffee too which I sometimes use for cereal.

There are some weird food wars going on in this house.

The pantry is full of dried pasta, Cheerios and granola bars that are strictly for my sister. My dad locks away all of the good food for himself and wears the key around his neck like Zoey101. So there’s nothing to really make besides scrambled eggs, cereal or pasta. Yeah I should be grateful that there’s food at all but I’m sorry I can’t just live off of those things. Plus I have a really sensitive stomach so a lot of dairy and gluten will destroy my stomach. Yesterday, I bought my own food and left it in the fridge. Starved myself all day for as long as possible so I could eat towards the end of the day to not go to bed hungry. I got a big enough meal to eat half last night and half tonight.

This was a special treat for them.

I don’t make enough money to buy solid meals for myself all the time so I was really looking forward to not eating the same old thing yet again. I opened the fridge today when I was hungry to the point of vomiting and the majority of my food was gone. Maybe a bite or two left but nothing I could actually get full off of. So naturally I got mad because I’m starving, I paid for it with the little money I have in the first place and my mom didn’t even ask. So I walked into her (home) office and asked her if she ate my food. Her argument was that she thought it was old from days ago when she literally knows I came home with it last night. I even got her something too which she ate for dinner last night. Then I got even more mad saying I’m starving and haven’t eaten anything in over 24 hours. She started bawling her eyes out and my dad started screaming at me for being over dramatic.

These people sound crazy.

Then she dramatically left the house saying she’s gonna blow off work for the rest of the day to go and get me the same meal. My dad ran out and took the keys from her before she could leave then came inside saying she’s crying. So not only did she eat my food, she guilt tripped me and made me feel like I’m the reason why she’s not gonna make any money today. Because she ate my food that I starved myself for. I think I feel extra guilty because we get along well but this isn’t the first time it’s happened. When I told my sister she sighed and rolled her eyes because this has happened to her too with the same excuse. All I know is that I’m mad, feel guilty and have extremely low blood sugar so I might just sleep it off or something. AITA for reacting the way I did?

Here’s what people had to say on Reddit.

This reader had a lot to say…

Another person offered some advice.

This person said they’re NTA.

Another reader made a good point.

And this reader said they’re NTA.

This mom has some issues…

SERIOUS issues!

If you enjoyed this story, check out this post about a daughter who invited herself to her parents’ 40th anniversary vacation for all the wrong reasons .

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The post Entitled Mom Ate All The Food They Had Bought For Themselves, And Then Tried To Guilt Trip Them For Calling Her Out first on TwistedSifter .

The fallout from Trump's conviction: Who pays for his guilt?

Like many other americans, i am exhilarated and scared by trump’s conviction and what may come next, by chauncey devega.

Early Thursday morning I was woken up by the screams of a neighbor who is mentally and emotionally unstable. This happens to her every so many months. She then dutifully apologizes. I eventually composed myself and quickly fell back asleep. Suddenly I was snapped out of a horrible dream in which I was stuck in Alex Garland’s new “Civil War” movie. I was jolted awake again – this time by some bad 1980s pop music hit that the maintenance worker was blaring on his radio as he painted the apartment next door. The song was by some forgettable female singer and was about love lost, yearning and the pain of heartbreak. I remembered that song from when it was first released. I was in elementary school. I didn’t like the song then. I most certainly do not like it now.

Based on how my day started, I reasoned it likely portended a really bad day ahead. One of my spiritual practices is taking long walks to meditate. So I decided to walk the bad morning away and sit by the lake to reset before coming back home to write. It was beautiful outside. A perfectly clear sky, clean air, and crisp — but warm in the sun. The birds were singing loudly because they were so happy. The day evoked a memory of another perfectly beautiful day, that morning in New York on September 11. We have still not recovered as a nation from where that bad day led.

“The jury has reached a verdict," a friend called to tell me as I was listening to Elvis Presley’s “If I Can Dream."

I sat on a nearby bench and tuned into coverage of the verdict in real-time. The people near me did the same thing. Two of them sat uncomfortably close to me, consciously or subconsciously seeking some community. The three of us held our collective breath. Several people who were jogging stopped and then ran in place while they listened to or watched the verdict on their phones. A man walked by and heard the announcement, a slightly discordant chorus of sorts from the different phones all tuned into the same thing being “sung” by different voices.

Trump was guilty on the first count and then down the list to number 34. The man near me was visibly disgusted and angry at the verdict. He must be a MAGA person. 

Donald Trump, a twice-impeached former president of the United States, coup plotter, sexual assaulter as confirmed by a court of law, and aspiring dictator is now a convicted felon. He may not be able to vote or own a gun anymore. But he can become president again. He remains tied with President Joe Biden in the polls. He is winning in the battleground states. He could potentially win the 2024 election while on parole or under house arrest.

I am happy. I am also sad.

Donald Trump is a human stain on the presidency who never should have been elevated to such a position of great power and authority. That Trump has more than a realistic chance – if not likelihood depending on the pollsters and analysts – of becoming the next president is also an indictment of the country’s moral character. However, that Donald Trump, a former president of the United States – and a very rich white man and one of the most powerful people in the country – could be convicted by a jury of 12 everyday people in New York is a sign that there is still much life in the American experiment and the rule of law upon which it depends.

I also laugh to keep from crying. That is one of the survival skills I developed in my more than eight years of chronicling the Age of Trump. The skill of laughing to keep from crying is also an earned birthright for those of us who are products of the Black Freedom Struggle and as Blues people.

To that point, the following made me laugh very hard.

“Queens man convicted," read  the headline at the Queens Daily Eagle . Editor Jacob Caye wrote:

Former Jamaica Estates resident Donald Trump was convicted by a Manhattan jury on Thursday of 34 counts of falsifying business records in an effort to cover up a sex scandal he feared would ruin his chances of winning the 2016 presidential election. The jury’s verdict, which came after only two days of deliberations, makes Trump the first president from Queens – or anywhere in the United States, for that matter – to become a felon.

I smiled and laughed.

Caye ends his news story with:

Despite the conviction, Trump was released on his own recognizance Thursday, being spared a trip to Rikers Island, the home of the city’s notorious jail complex which happens to be part of the same borough the former president was raised in.

I smiled and laughed even harder.

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Please do not be confused or mistaken as you patriotically hoist too high the flag of American Exceptionalism and America’s inherent greatness in response to Trump’s conviction in the hush-money case and new status as a convicted felon.

Indeed, Donald Trump would not have been allowed a free and fair trial in the countries ruled by the tyrants, demagogues, and autocrats that he and his MAGA movement and the other neofascists admire abroad. But if America and is democracy and democratic culture were truly exceptional in the ways that so many Americans would like to believe and have convinced themselves, then Donald Trump would never have been elected president or be so close to taking over the White House again.

Like many other Americans, I am exhilarated and scared by Trump’s conviction and what may come next.

We must not ignore in our celebrations and relief how Donald Trump is a very violent man who leads a violent neo-fascist authoritarian political movement. Donald Trump and his propagandists know how to trigger the MAGA followers for maximum effect.

And what of That Man specifically? How did Donald Trump respond, a man who has shown himself to be an egomaniac and extreme narcissist who believes himself to be a god who is outside and above the law, to being convicted and hearing the verdict of “guilty” read 34 times? Trump did not sound like some roaring fascist lion or immortal strongman. He sounded very sad and beaten . He said he is "very innocent." I wondered: Does Trump even believe what he is saying right now as he is finally being confronted with real consequences for his bad behavior for the first time in his life?

Donald Trump is not complicated or a cipher. He is utterly predictable. On this, in a new essay at MSNBC , Molly Jong-Fast writes:

So what happens now? Now that we have a verdict in the case, there’s a good chance Trump will play it as being what he expected, and even wanted. We should expect him to go scorched-earth, because he so often does. We know he will try to weaponize this verdict and craft it into an assault on the rule of law, on the judge and the jury and on New York County District Attorney Alvin Bragg. No matter what the outcome, Trump was always going to try to use candidate Trump to help defendant Trump. And any verdict was destined to be molded into his branded narrative of persecution, witch hunts and a fight against the political system. Of that we can be certain.

Want a daily wrap-up of all the news and commentary Salon has to offer? Subscribe to our morning newsletter , Crash Course.

Beyond Donald Trump, I am worried about the 12 jurors (and 6 alternates) who made the brave and honorable decision to follow the evidence to its logical conclusion and decide that the corrupt ex-president is guilty of his crimes in the hush-money case. Their lives will never be the same again. They may never know peace for many years. If Trump wins the 2024 election, these jurors should be terrified of what will likely happen to them. They already know this. 

I am also worried about Judge Juan Merchan. NBC News is reporting that Trump’s MAGA people are already threatening to assassinate him.

As Rachel Maddow pleaded on MSNBC , protecting the jurors, judges, and other members of law enforcement who are protecting American democracy by following through on their responsibilities and obligations as citizens and professionals is of paramount importance. They are under siege from Donald Trump and the American neofascist movement.

But I am most worried about “We the Americans” and what comes next. As I wrote on X (formerly known as Twitter) shortly after Trump’s guilty verdict was announced in New York:

Trump is just a man not a god. But be careful what you wish for as there is always action and reaction. Will he get his revenge? Or will he be broken by the weight of this? Be mindful of how evil people draw great power from that darkness and endure long past those who are good.

Donald Trump’s felony conviction in the hush-money trial is truly a historic event in what will be a historic time when the future of the country’s democracy and freedom will be decided. In such historic times when the ground is moving beneath our feet, sometimes slowly and almost imperceptibly, and at other times with great crashes where we feel like we are going to fall down, there are going to be great surprises ahead – both good and bad – that in hindsight will look utterly predictable.

In the end, the Age of Trump and this democracy crisis need to be repudiated in the voting booth on Election Day. Trump’s hush-money trial and conviction – and his three other criminal trials – will not do that work. Donald Trump and his MAGA people and other followers are now hellbent on revenge. He and they must be kept away from the presidency if American democracy is to endure. The American people are the only ones who can accomplish that goal. The long moral arc of the universe does not bend inexorably toward justice on its own. It is bent and shaped by us.

about this topic

• Donald Trump up close and personal: A president convicted by a jury of his peers
• "Don't rule it out": Experts say "anyone else" convicted of Trump's crimes would get prison time
• "Trump is all dominance, all the time”: New research reveals "his most formidable political asset"

Chauncey DeVega is a senior politics writer for Salon. His essays can also be found at  Chaunceydevega.com . He also hosts a weekly podcast,  The Chauncey DeVega Show . Chauncey can be followed on  Twitter  and  Facebook .

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Nicole Brown Simpson’s sisters want you to remember how she lived, not how she died

Nicole Brown Simpson’s sisters are pleased with new Lifetime docuseries - “The Life & Murder of Nicole Brown Simpson” - that focuses on how their sister lived, not how she died. (May 31)

This undated image released by Lifetime shows a photo of Nicole Brown Simpson, subject of the documentary “The Life & Murder of Nicole Brown Simpson,” airing Saturday on Lifetime. (Brown Family Photo/Lifetime via AP)

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Denise Brown, from left, Dominique Brown, and Tanya Brown pose for a portrait to promote the docuseries “The Life & Murder of Nicole Brown Simpson” on Wednesday, May 29, 2024, in New York. (Photo by Christopher Smith/Invision/AP)

This image released by Lifetime shows promotional art for “The Life & Murder of Nicole Brown Simpson,” premiering June 1 on Lifetime. (Lifetime via AP)

In the familiar images that circulated after her June 1994 death, Nicole Brown Simpson appears frozen in place.

She’s a statuesque blonde with a tense smile, silently escorting famous husband O.J. Simpson. She’s the breezy California beauty behind the wheel of her white Ferrari. And she’s the somber woman, with telling bruises and a black eye, in the stark Polaroids locked away in a bank vault.

Thirty years later , Nicole’s three sisters want her remembered for more than those static images or the violent way she died. They fear the vibrant person they knew has been lost in the chaos of Simpson’s murder trial, the questions it raised about race in America and the headlines spawned by his recent death.

“It’s seeing her move. It’s hearing her talk, seeing her,” youngest sister Tanya Brown told The Associated Press of the joy she felt watching video clips of Nicole in a new Lifetime documentary. “(She’s) someone who just was very warm, very warm-hearted and quirky.”

EDITOR’S NOTE: This story includes discussion of suicide and domestic violence. If you or someone you know needs help, the national suicide and crisis lifeline in the U.S. is available by calling or texting 988. There is also an online chat at 988lifeline.org. For the National Domestic Violence Hotline, please call 1-800-799-7233 in the U.S.

“Daddy’s taking movies again,” coos Nicole, who met Simpson when she was 18, as she cuddles her infant child on the beach. The home movie included in “The Life & Murder of Nicole Brown Simpson,” which airs this weekend, echoes one of her as a child with her own mother.

“She wanted to be like her mother,” said Melissa G. Moore, the executive producer. “Nicole wanted to be home, being a mother and creating a beautiful home.”

The innocence of the mother-and-child beach scene contrasts with friends’ memories of a cloud descending over the couple’s Laguna Beach home whenever Simpson arrived and another of him knocking her down in the water.

“Nicole was a very, very good hider of her domestic violence. She pushed everything under the rug and then would change the subject. And I think that was just all to protect herself and to protect everyone that she loved and her family,” Dominique Brown told the AP in a recent interview with her sisters.

Along with the Browns, the filmmakers spoke to friends both famous and infamous, including Simpson houseguest Brian “Kato” Kaelin, whose laid-back demeanor on the witness stand at the 1995 trial made him a household name; Faye Resnick, who wrote a tell-all book; and Kris Jenner, whose ex-husband Robert Kardashian, to her dismay, joined Simpson’s defense team.

Nicole’s two children, who have stayed out of the public eye and seemingly remained close to Simpson until his death last month, did not take part. They were both busy starting families of their own, Moore said.

But the sisters felt it was finally time to revisit Nicole’s life and legacy. They have grieved in different ways, and sometimes grew apart. Their parents have died.

Oldest sister Denise Brown, who gave wrenching trial testimony, never hesitated to pin the stabbing deaths of their sister and Ronald Goldman on Simpson, and became a vocal advocate for domestic violence victims. Although she had known the marriage was volatile, she did not think of Nicole at the time as a battered woman, even after Simpson was charged with assault on New Year’s Eve 1989. Nicole, after a week away, chose to return home afterward.

“She said, ‘I don’t want to ruin my children’s father’s life,’” Denise Brown recalled to the AP.

Dominique Brown focused on the couple’s young children, Sydney and Justin, after Nicole’s death. For more than a year, as Simpson sat in jail, she helped her aging parents raise them, along with her own son. Simpson won back custody after he was acquitted, later moving his children to Florida. Dominique said she remains close with the children today — and still doesn’t know quite what to think.

“There are kids involved. And they don’t have their mother. I knew that somebody was to blame and I knew that somehow there was involvement. I didn’t know to what extent,” Dominique Brown says in the film, explaining why she refrained from commenting on Simpson’s alleged role during the trial. “I still don’t know.”

Tanya Brown, a decade younger than Nicole, has felt waves of guilt over Nicole’s death. At the 10-year mark, she tried to take her own life. In treatment, she thought: “She had a perfect opportunity to share something with me, to share her tumultuous relationship, you know? And she never did.”

All three believe that Nicole, like many victims, downplayed the abuse. She had always wanted the kind of happy family life her parents had provided them.

They had met in Germany, then built an affluent life for their girls in southern California. Nicole, a homecoming princess, was interested in photography. She enrolled in community college, but met Simpson in 1977 at a club where she worked. He was a 30-year-old NFL superstar and married father.

Art for “The Life & Murder of Nicole Brown Simpson,” premiering June 1 on Lifetime. (Lifetime via AP)

A childhood friend, David LeBon, remembers Nicole coming home from their first date in a Rolls Royce, with the zipper of her pants ripped. He wanted to confront Simpson.

“She said, ‘No, don’t. I really like him,’” LeBon recalls in the documentary.

They made a glamorous couple, and Simpson found more fame as an actor and TV pitchman. Nicole loved hosting people at his Los Angeles mansion, where they married in 1985. But those good times were interrupted by bouts of violence, according to the photos and diaries Nicole hid in a safe deposit box, and the repeated 911 calls she made seeking help, especially after they separated in the early 1990s.

And while they both had big personalities, the documentary makes clear how Simpson came to control her. Early on, he became angry when she kissed a male friend on the cheek at one of his Buffalo Bills games. He wanted all her attention when he returned home from a trip. He derided her for getting “fat” during her pregnancies and wanted her to avoid vaginal deliveries and nursing to keep her body intact.

“He had turned her into the perfect wife, and that’s what he expected of her,” Resnick says in the film.

At the time, domestic violence was largely deemed a private matter. Nicole’s death helped bring it out of the shadows.

“The family saw some of this stuff, but they didn’t have a name for it,” said Patti Giggans, a nonprofit director in Los Angeles who has worked on domestic violence since the 1970s, and spoke frequently on it during Simpson’s trial. “They were pretty helpless.”

Not long after Nicole died, then-Sen. Joe Biden invited Denise Brown to Washington to lobby support for the Violence Against Women Act. It passed that fall, helping to fund shelters, hotlines and other services ever since.

Nicole herself called a helpline five days before she was killed, as Simpson’s stalking intensified. They had been on and off since their 1992 divorce, but finally, at 35, she was looking to make a clean break.

“She was on the cusp of a new life,” said Moore, who found it difficult to realize how much Nicole had suffered in silence.

“This was a woman who couldn’t share the hell that she was going through with the people she loved. Not because she didn’t trust them, but because she wanted to protect them,” Moore said. “It must have been a very lonely experience for Nicole.”

Dale reported from Philadelphia. Associated Press journalist Brooke Lefferts contributed reporting from New York.